Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, cell phones, disrespect, family violence, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, power struggle, respect, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t treat the family with respect. What should I do?
It’s very important for your teenager to realize just how disrespect affects the family. It is a tough sell though because you are asking something from teenagers that just isn’t quite there – FULL UNDERSTANDING. Their smart part of their brain just isn’t done growing yet. They need help to realize what words or actions are disrespectful. It may seem easy to us as parents but it isn’t for teenagers. I have had parents comment, “I can’t believe they would treat me or their friends this way.” In actuality others teenagers are obvious to this and this is why teen relationships are often short lived. So as a parent teach about disrespect but more importantly, RESPECT.
Tip – when your teenager rolls their eyes they are not disrespecting you! They hear you!
So, first don’t try to explain to them when they are upset or heated. If their pulse and blood pressure is sky high they can’t access any part of the prefrontal cortex (the smart part of the brain). Give them the space and time then sit them down and talk with them. Better yet show them by example. I had a parent who was berated by her teenager’s words of disrespect. Finally, she turned the tables and whenever they were out with his friends or out in public she made embarrassing comments about her son. “Mom,I don’t want to be out in public with you when I don’t know what will come out of your mouth.” The mother smiled, “Me too!”
Be firm in decisions. One thing I have noticed with parents who kids rule the roost is that parents ask instead of tell. “Can you or could you” leaves the door wide open for your teenager to say no (verbally or by actions). A power struggle ensues. So make the requests clear and concise. Don’t worry about please and thank yous at this point. We need you to get control of your kids now. Do not allow violence in the family or towards any of the other members of the family. Assault is assault regardless of age. Simply state your position and leave the assault situation. Hang in there and if you have questions I’m always here to help!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, communication, gay, house rules, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, lesbian, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, rules, talk to teens, teen help, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, teenagers, teens making out, unconditional love, z1 publications
Rick, I caught my daughter “making out” with one of her female friends. Is she “gay” or what?
Well, before jumping into the pot about being gay I would want to know your house rules for “making out.” If this is inappropriate for either sex, then you need to change your rules and consequences to reflect accordingly. As with any teenager, young or old, I would encourage good parenting and modeling for them to learn from. I would hope all three of you have already, CALMLY, talked about what happened and re-established the house rules.
Now, hopefully whether your daughter is “gay” or straight that you would love her unconditionally. The teenage years are difficult to say the least. Hormones and opportunities are abound and directing them to be safe is beyond difficult. Unfortunately, our teenagers are bombarded with sexual imagery from the media constantly. What is a parent to do? COMMUNICATE! Take the opportunities to chat with your teens about the lyrics and messages they come across each and every day. Some are obvious while others are not. Advertisers use subtle unconscious cues that most of use are not even aware of. But trust me they are there! But limited the exposure and if you can’t limit it enough, talk about it. Don’t use it to be critical just state observations. If you see their eyes roll because of something you said – AWESOME! That means they heard you. Remember, not everyone is “bi” even though it is portrayed as more common. Teens are confused and don’t know what to expect. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you expect from your own child. Not the neighbor or one of their “friends” from Facebook, but your child. Hold them to high standards and expect them to want it too.
Now if you are religious or your cultural beliefs do not embrace “being gay” then you have a more serious issue that would be best mediated by a trained mental health specialist. If they work with teenagers then they should be ready to help you deal with your teenager. Also, look for someone who is trained in family therapy not just individual therapy. What happened is a perfect learning opportunity – don’t let it fly by without doing something!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: adolescents, book promo, boundaries, brain growth, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen sex, teenagers, video, z1 publications
New book video done! How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting.
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, how to get your teen to listen, masturbation, parent modeling, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, puberty, rick zapf, sex talk, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen help, teen parenting, teen sexuality, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager was caught masturbating. How should I approach them and what should I say?
Well, I’m guessing two things: one, you don’t approve and two, you are talking about your son. Although teen girls are reporting more masturbation than previous decades, masturbation remains a male issue. One thing I would be curious about is how you talked to your son about puberty and “wet dreams.” That would give me a better base for this discussion.
But a couple of months ago I was watching one of those Hollywood coming of age movies where the boy and girl switch as teenagers. They spent quite a bit of script time towards morning erections and what to do about them. Of course this is Hollywood, but where else would your teenager be learning about their sexuality and the “how to?”
What do you want your teenager to do? How do you back up your stance on what you feel is right? One mother said to me, “my boys get short showers or I come pounding on the door to hurry up.” What would you be appropriate talking to your teen about? Of course you could chicken out and say the father needs to talk to his son, but like I said that’s chickening out. Both parents at different times need to relate the importance of healthy sexuality and your family values. But trust me I have heard it all including the mother who said, “in the guys bathroom, that I don’t clean or go into, they have their magazines on the toilet for them.”
What I would encourage is a healthy discussion of when or where masturbation would be appropriate. Remember, not everyone is doing it! Besides that your teenager will be uncomfortable talking about “it,” this is a perfect time to educate and instruct – something I encourage all parents to do! Sexuality is a challenging topic but something that you need to approach.
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, love one another, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, being a dad, father's day, father's involvement, how to get your teen to listen, parent involvement, parent modeling, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, rick zapf, teen communication, teen listening, teenagers, uninvolved father, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager’s father isn’t very involved with my teens life. What can I do?
Maybe call it a female need, but I get this often. A father might not even be present in their life because of divorce, death, incarceration, or even nonacceptance. But how do you involve a father who is there but isn’t is more often asked than not. Tough but not impossible. Way too much for this blog probably a whole new book but here are some key points.
Remember, men are action oriented while women are emotionally driven. This isn’t a bad thing – God made us unique for a reason. But asking your husband how he feels about not being a father will just get everyone frustrated. The better is “what can you do with our teenager to make a difference?” Now dads might be a little gun-shy when it comes to doing especially if they have been out of the loop for awhile. I encourage dads to jump in with both feet and make mistakes. Oh, by the way, when your teen rolls their eyes at you that’s a good thing. They are actually listening.
So with both feet in do something new and different. Teens are looking for excitement and thrill and it can be had with fathers. Fathers also need to watch their voice tone especially with their teenage daughters. Young female brains are very impressionable to the voice so use it for emphasizing not criticizing. But fathers should become the role model, if not for your own teen then for other teens who will say, “your dad is so cool.”
But fathers what is more important – your third game of the season for your football or your teen’s adjustment and well being? Your teen needs you! Don’t be afraid, teenagers don’t bite (at least not hard) and need your involvement.
Happy Father’s Day!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, depression symptoms, dr. daniel amen, how to get your teen to listen, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen depression, teen help, teen parenting, teen's brain, teenagers, z1 publications, zapf
Oh I have heard this one at least once a month! And to a certain respect it infuriates me. Not that teens can seem depressed but that parents and teens try to self-diagnose saying, “I have depression.”
I try to clear this up each and every time I go speak – there is NO SUCH THING AS DEPRESSION! Any respectable clinican should NEVER use that word. Popular media has brought depression to the forefront and the actual diagnosis needs to be adressed. Is the teen cyclothymic, dysthymic, major depressive disorder, or something else? See if we used those diagnoses we would just get stares. Say depression and people will remark about the drug commercials they saw last night on TV.
Teens respond best to symptomology. I encourage parents to throw out the word depression to describe their teen’s behavior and use colorful descriptors. Help your teen feel hope when they feel hopeless. Encourage your teen to participate in activities when they now lack interest. Make it tangible to work towards and change.
The other part for both parents and teens to realize is that our brains are complex and we don’t fully understand them. A piece of brain tissue the size of a grain of sand has over 100,00 neurons and over 1 billion synapses or connections! During the teenage years the brain is pruning connections to make your brain more efficient. So as a connection becomes unusable it is severed. But cut too many and now you could be feeling a little “depressed.” So yes teens will easily fit the criteria for Dysthymic Disorder, but get them the help they need to cope.
Researchers also find that your gut has a lot to do with your mood. So have a healthy gut and have a happier life. So what does your teenager eat that is healthy? How regular are they? They aren’t a human garbage disposal and need to be eating healthy. Dr. Daniel Amen has even suggested a high protein, low carb eating plan to help teen brains grow. That means the snacks of carbs they love so much change.
Basically – PARENTS HELP YOUR TEENS!!!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications., www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, book, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: how to get your teen to listen, moving out, parenting, parenting help, parenting teens, rick zapf, running away, teen angst, teen communication, teen problems, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager just wants to move out.
You need help right away! Often when I hear this, most teenagers are so frustrated they only see getting out as the only option. Running away or living with a friend are the only options instead of working through the difficulty.
Somehow today parents are making their homes safe havens for teens to crash or live there. Often, parents are trying to help but unfortunately they can do more harm than good. I had a teen just the other day who just couldn’t live at home any more and wanted to live with her boyfriend’s family. The boyfriend’s family agreed to help without fully consulting the other parents. When the mother came to talk to the boyfriend’s parents they had no idea life was that good with mom. It may seem like the end of the world to the teen, but often its not.
I even had a radio interview with Steven Diamond with stopstressingnow.com and we chatted about runaways. There are many resources to help even if it is an abusive environment. But how do you make your home stable and secure?
I encourage teens to find positives and weigh the options instead of just acting on impulse and regretting the decision. It is slowing them down to think clearly before they just react. Once they are out it seems that there is no way to go back (tail between the legs) or to find other options of help instead of living with their parents.
It amazes me when I start talking to teens about adult life just how clueless they are. Does your teen even know about insurances – car, home/renters, health, life, etc? I also mention other "adult issues" and their eyes continue to open wide. It isn’t easy out there. Unfortunately, as parents we often make it look too easy sometimes. With help, parents can change the situation teens are in. Parents need to make an environment where they can discuss their problems with adults who are in the know and can help. To reassure the teen that tomorrow can get better and even if it didn’t it can’t be bad forever.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
Rick is an author, speaker, family therapist, and Teen Communication Consultant who helps parents survive the teen years. Visit www.Z1Publications.com for more parenting resources.
