Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, communication, gay, house rules, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, lesbian, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, rules, talk to teens, teen help, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, teenagers, teens making out, unconditional love, z1 publications
Rick, I caught my daughter “making out” with one of her female friends. Is she “gay” or what?
Well, before jumping into the pot about being gay I would want to know your house rules for “making out.” If this is inappropriate for either sex, then you need to change your rules and consequences to reflect accordingly. As with any teenager, young or old, I would encourage good parenting and modeling for them to learn from. I would hope all three of you have already, CALMLY, talked about what happened and re-established the house rules.
Now, hopefully whether your daughter is “gay” or straight that you would love her unconditionally. The teenage years are difficult to say the least. Hormones and opportunities are abound and directing them to be safe is beyond difficult. Unfortunately, our teenagers are bombarded with sexual imagery from the media constantly. What is a parent to do? COMMUNICATE! Take the opportunities to chat with your teens about the lyrics and messages they come across each and every day. Some are obvious while others are not. Advertisers use subtle unconscious cues that most of use are not even aware of. But trust me they are there! But limited the exposure and if you can’t limit it enough, talk about it. Don’t use it to be critical just state observations. If you see their eyes roll because of something you said – AWESOME! That means they heard you. Remember, not everyone is “bi” even though it is portrayed as more common. Teens are confused and don’t know what to expect. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you expect from your own child. Not the neighbor or one of their “friends” from Facebook, but your child. Hold them to high standards and expect them to want it too.
Now if you are religious or your cultural beliefs do not embrace “being gay” then you have a more serious issue that would be best mediated by a trained mental health specialist. If they work with teenagers then they should be ready to help you deal with your teenager. Also, look for someone who is trained in family therapy not just individual therapy. What happened is a perfect learning opportunity – don’t let it fly by without doing something!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
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Help Rick, My Teenager was caught masturbating. How should I approach them and what should I say?
Well, I’m guessing two things: one, you don’t approve and two, you are talking about your son. Although teen girls are reporting more masturbation than previous decades, masturbation remains a male issue. One thing I would be curious about is how you talked to your son about puberty and “wet dreams.” That would give me a better base for this discussion.
But a couple of months ago I was watching one of those Hollywood coming of age movies where the boy and girl switch as teenagers. They spent quite a bit of script time towards morning erections and what to do about them. Of course this is Hollywood, but where else would your teenager be learning about their sexuality and the “how to?”
What do you want your teenager to do? How do you back up your stance on what you feel is right? One mother said to me, “my boys get short showers or I come pounding on the door to hurry up.” What would you be appropriate talking to your teen about? Of course you could chicken out and say the father needs to talk to his son, but like I said that’s chickening out. Both parents at different times need to relate the importance of healthy sexuality and your family values. But trust me I have heard it all including the mother who said, “in the guys bathroom, that I don’t clean or go into, they have their magazines on the toilet for them.”
What I would encourage is a healthy discussion of when or where masturbation would be appropriate. Remember, not everyone is doing it! Besides that your teenager will be uncomfortable talking about “it,” this is a perfect time to educate and instruct – something I encourage all parents to do! Sexuality is a challenging topic but something that you need to approach.
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, teen communication, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, attraction, daniel amen, expectations, hooking up, how to get your teen to listen, no fear, oxytocin, parenting advice, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, phernomes, rick zapf, sex on the brain, sexting, STD, teen communication, teen pregnancy, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, when to date, z1 publications
Help Rick, I caught my teenager online trying to “hook up” for a party this weekend. What should I say?
Well first for those parents who still don’t know “hooking up” is not the same as “hanging out.” Hooking up is having sexual relations with another person or persons just for the act of sex. Instead of it being a “one night stand” teenagers and young adults now are not even waiting the night! Teens continue to believe sex can be just sex. No emotional ties or commitments to the other. So is this even possible?
Personally I don’t think it is possible and no its not because I think it is morally wrong but our bodies are not built for just casual sex with no attachments to occur. When the brain has sex, hormones are released. One of the sex hormones is oxytocin. This hormone has been shown in bonding. This hormone is released giving birth for the mother to bond to her child. Oxytocin is also released during sex to bond the couple. Dr. Daniel Amen talks about this in his book “Sex on the Brain.” So teens in their infinite wisdom think they can outsmart hormones – NOT!
Sex also makes brain connections. Sex is argued that it is good for the body. I think sex is good for the body if you are in a committed relationship as a couple. Another part we don’t really understand are Phernomes. These are the sexual smells that we don’t think we can smell but other animals use in heat for mating. And since we don’t fully understand it I can’t say we are not affected by it.
So with teens, how damaging is “hooking up?” I truly believe it builds in the “no fear response” adrenaline junkies are looking for. It can lead to higher STD and pregnancy rates. NO FEAR! Also, how will they form an attachment to others when they haven’t experienced it positively in their teen years? Then coupled with limited emotional connections it just spells disaster.
So with your teen set down your expectations. If you don’t care you should. Now 1 in 3 sexually active teens will contract an STD. But I would hope you would care more about their emotional health than sexual health. Monitor you teen’s communication. If this parent hadn’t been they would have never known what was going to happen. It’s not an invasion of privacy when they are still a minor. But give your teen the benefit of doubt and don’t just assume. Trust goes a long way even after they have made a mistake.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com
