How2Talk2Teens Blog

Help Rick, my teenager never comes out of their room. What is appropriate? Do I force the issue and what about the mess?

Well that’s more than one question but a common question. Teenagers create an oasis (if available) that their bedroom is a sanctuary of safety for themselves. Their room represents who they are, which is why if I want to know a teenager I ask, “describe your room to me.” This is a place where a teenager can escape the stress and pressures of life. I have a hard time though with oasis versus private domain. So there shouldn’t be a lock on the door and parents not allowed. Parents do have the right to search or clean a room whenever they choose.

Now a clean room is relevant, but really stress that their room needs to be an extension of their personality. So what if it changes every few months? That is fine because their mood and personality is changing more often than that. But it is important that they have something of their own. So often parents ask me, “I don’t understand my teen’s mood and they won’t tell me how they are feeling.” Either look to their room or listen to their music for answers. So yes trash needs to be thrown away. Yes, vacuuming is novel concept. Clothes in piles should be differentiated between clean and dirty. But stress follow through!! This concept is just developing in their underdeveloped adolescent brain.

I understand your desire for family time. Family dinners at least once a week are not a ridiculous request. The more time together you can have the better as your teenager will try to distance from the family. So, if you want five times a week and your teenager wants zero, then a nice compromise to start with is two. Yes to family time. Also, discourage eating in room and limit video games (another blog another day).

Home work in their room is another blog but test for yourself if multitasking can actually make the grades improve. How well can your teenager handle, music, texting, homework, phone, and anything else they are doing? Teenagers wan their rooms to be “command central.”

But remember as I said in my new book, “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” be careful how and what you say in their rooms. It has been shown that while in a trance like state, what is said with emotion (positive or negative) will stick. So, if your teenager is listening to their music and you gripe and harp on them about their room then your hurtful words will have lasting effects. These words can effect their self-esteem, how they cope with difficulties, and much more. So, wait for them to unplug before having to talk to them. Remember, their room is their oasis.

So, what does your room say about yourself? Is it your oasis?

Rick Zapf, MS,
Author, Family Therapist, and Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com