Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, porn, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, cell phones, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting help with teens texting, parenting rules about texting, parenting teenagers, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen parenting, teens texting, texting privledges, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager won’t stop texting. What should I do?
You are not alone. Texting has become the language of choice for teenagers today. As a matter of fact also for preteens or tweens. I have had many a teen in my office that parents were ready to take away the texting, because of their actions or behavior but almost all have said they’d rather not have a phone at all if they couldn’t have texting. Mom, nobody calls each other anymore.
You see the problem comes from the degree of separation from texting. You cannot hear someone’s tone when they speak and you can’t read their body language which accounts for more than 75% of their communication. That is where teens misunderstand the text, don’t ask for clarification, and don’t have to worry about face to face confrontation. I really think the last one is key and this is where I worry the most for teens and tweens today. The face to face interaction isn’t there. Its removed from texting and social media like Facebook. Teens interactions are getting a failing grade. So what is a parent to do?
First, I don’t recommend taking away a cellphone for punishment. You can read more about that in my book, “how to get your teen to listen.” Their cellphone is their life blood and connection to the outside world. You can however limit and monitor the texts being sent. Second, encourage honesty with house rules – no deletions of texts. As a parent I would be more fervent on what your teenager texts or sends pics than what friends say or do. So if their girlfriend sends a seductive pic of themself that’s one issue, but how your teen responds to that pic is where the main enforcement needs to be addressed. But once again this is where the degree of separation is hurting our teens. I had a parent just yesterday that had to address this issue with her 8th grade son. She also happened to see this teen girl at school and took her parenting role to say, “my son likes you, but the pic you sent isn’t needed because you are more than that.” The teens eyes where huge with concern and embarrassment since someone saw the pic. That is what we are called to do as parents – be parents. Finally, praise your teen for using their texting more maturely. When they text you a problem or concern, a need or want, a prayer or help someone in need – make a huge deal about it. Texting can be used for good not evil! 
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com,www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, cell phones, disrespect, family violence, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, power struggle, respect, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t treat the family with respect. What should I do?
It’s very important for your teenager to realize just how disrespect affects the family. It is a tough sell though because you are asking something from teenagers that just isn’t quite there – FULL UNDERSTANDING. Their smart part of their brain just isn’t done growing yet. They need help to realize what words or actions are disrespectful. It may seem easy to us as parents but it isn’t for teenagers. I have had parents comment, “I can’t believe they would treat me or their friends this way.” In actuality others teenagers are obvious to this and this is why teen relationships are often short lived. So as a parent teach about disrespect but more importantly, RESPECT.
Tip – when your teenager rolls their eyes they are not disrespecting you! They hear you!
So, first don’t try to explain to them when they are upset or heated. If their pulse and blood pressure is sky high they can’t access any part of the prefrontal cortex (the smart part of the brain). Give them the space and time then sit them down and talk with them. Better yet show them by example. I had a parent who was berated by her teenager’s words of disrespect. Finally, she turned the tables and whenever they were out with his friends or out in public she made embarrassing comments about her son. “Mom,I don’t want to be out in public with you when I don’t know what will come out of your mouth.” The mother smiled, “Me too!”
Be firm in decisions. One thing I have noticed with parents who kids rule the roost is that parents ask instead of tell. “Can you or could you” leaves the door wide open for your teenager to say no (verbally or by actions). A power struggle ensues. So make the requests clear and concise. Don’t worry about please and thank yous at this point. We need you to get control of your kids now. Do not allow violence in the family or towards any of the other members of the family. Assault is assault regardless of age. Simply state your position and leave the assault situation. Hang in there and if you have questions I’m always here to help!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
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Help Rick, my teenager doesn’t dress appropriately. This often comes from the fathers who are not either “fashion forward” or are protecting a certain look. I had one father who questioned his daughter’s style. Not just her every day style but also her “dressed up” style. He was to take her out for a “fancy” night downtown and the 13 year old daughter was wearing flip flops and a short dress. Arguments ensued because the young teen wanted to be able to say – “This is me” by how she dressed. Dad’s should become involved in what their teenagers wear AND what they buy.
Mothers though are typically more accepting of what to wear. They struggle to find outfits that are stylish and within a budget. But what is appropriate for a tween to wear? I had one mother frustrated back when low-rise jeans came out. “I can’t find any regular jeans anymore.” So what should they wear?
I had another mother who told her 16 year old son to get ready for youth group. He came out minutes later wearing a pair of jeans that had more holes in them than thread (she even brought them for me to see). When the son bocked and asked why, the mother responded appropriately, “Son, you are going to youth group and I can see your penis.”
I had one preteen wanting to argue with me over a summer bikini. So I asked her what makes it appropriate – “all my friends wear one.” When asked about wearing her training bra and panties to the pool she looked mortified. Mom smiled. “Same amount of fabric,” I said with a grin.
You see fashion will continue to be an issue. It has been for decades. Fashion isn’t out of necessity but out of style. You don’t have to wear the designer jeans but you do need to wear pants. You don’t have to carry a Gucci bag, but you do need something for your wallet, keys, and accessories. We shouldn’t judge ourself or others by the outside, especially for what they wear. Get to know what is inside that can make you and others amazing. Parents lead by example here! What is on the inside that you treasure?
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, how to get your teen to listen, masturbation, parent modeling, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, puberty, rick zapf, sex talk, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen help, teen parenting, teen sexuality, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager was caught masturbating. How should I approach them and what should I say?
Well, I’m guessing two things: one, you don’t approve and two, you are talking about your son. Although teen girls are reporting more masturbation than previous decades, masturbation remains a male issue. One thing I would be curious about is how you talked to your son about puberty and “wet dreams.” That would give me a better base for this discussion.
But a couple of months ago I was watching one of those Hollywood coming of age movies where the boy and girl switch as teenagers. They spent quite a bit of script time towards morning erections and what to do about them. Of course this is Hollywood, but where else would your teenager be learning about their sexuality and the “how to?”
What do you want your teenager to do? How do you back up your stance on what you feel is right? One mother said to me, “my boys get short showers or I come pounding on the door to hurry up.” What would you be appropriate talking to your teen about? Of course you could chicken out and say the father needs to talk to his son, but like I said that’s chickening out. Both parents at different times need to relate the importance of healthy sexuality and your family values. But trust me I have heard it all including the mother who said, “in the guys bathroom, that I don’t clean or go into, they have their magazines on the toilet for them.”
What I would encourage is a healthy discussion of when or where masturbation would be appropriate. Remember, not everyone is doing it! Besides that your teenager will be uncomfortable talking about “it,” this is a perfect time to educate and instruct – something I encourage all parents to do! Sexuality is a challenging topic but something that you need to approach.
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, depression symptoms, dr. daniel amen, how to get your teen to listen, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen depression, teen help, teen parenting, teen's brain, teenagers, z1 publications, zapf
Oh I have heard this one at least once a month! And to a certain respect it infuriates me. Not that teens can seem depressed but that parents and teens try to self-diagnose saying, “I have depression.”
I try to clear this up each and every time I go speak – there is NO SUCH THING AS DEPRESSION! Any respectable clinican should NEVER use that word. Popular media has brought depression to the forefront and the actual diagnosis needs to be adressed. Is the teen cyclothymic, dysthymic, major depressive disorder, or something else? See if we used those diagnoses we would just get stares. Say depression and people will remark about the drug commercials they saw last night on TV.
Teens respond best to symptomology. I encourage parents to throw out the word depression to describe their teen’s behavior and use colorful descriptors. Help your teen feel hope when they feel hopeless. Encourage your teen to participate in activities when they now lack interest. Make it tangible to work towards and change.
The other part for both parents and teens to realize is that our brains are complex and we don’t fully understand them. A piece of brain tissue the size of a grain of sand has over 100,00 neurons and over 1 billion synapses or connections! During the teenage years the brain is pruning connections to make your brain more efficient. So as a connection becomes unusable it is severed. But cut too many and now you could be feeling a little “depressed.” So yes teens will easily fit the criteria for Dysthymic Disorder, but get them the help they need to cope.
Researchers also find that your gut has a lot to do with your mood. So have a healthy gut and have a happier life. So what does your teenager eat that is healthy? How regular are they? They aren’t a human garbage disposal and need to be eating healthy. Dr. Daniel Amen has even suggested a high protein, low carb eating plan to help teen brains grow. That means the snacks of carbs they love so much change.
Basically – PARENTS HELP YOUR TEENS!!!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications., www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, love one another, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, church, finding God, finding religion, how to get your teen to liste, I don't know, I Timothy 4:12, parenting expert, parenting teens, picking a religion, questioning faith, religious denomination, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen parenting, teen religion, teen spirituality, youth pastors, z1 publications
My teenager informed me today that they don’t need to go to church any longer. What do I do?
Wow, what an open, honest, and blind communication from your teenager. Right now your teen is testing boundaries, searching to fit in, yet for most families today church is important. Unfortunately, as they have grown from the elementary age when you held their hand to now when they don’t want you near, your teenager has been testing their own boundaries and beliefs for years now. Teenagers are trying to feel confident in their decisions. But to say they don’t need church or even God is short-sighted.
What does their church, their religion, their spirituality, or their God bring to them? If you truly sat down with them and asked them this it could be enlightening. Of course finding the right time and place without distractions is necessary otherwise you would just get – “I don’t know.” But by all means when a question of faith comes up ask for more before being demanding. Does another faith interest them? Or do they not like the structuralism of the church? Whatever the reason, I would encourage you to say spirituality is not an option but a way of life. Picking the appropriate religion is difficult, yet finding the right church that one is near impossible at this age. Where are their friends going this month or semester is usually where they would want to go. But right now you have the opportunity to sit down with them and compare religions or denominations instead of waiting until they have moved out on their own. They want as much information as possible. Not sure either? Go find a book on religions like, “Religions for Dummies” or read online. Pay attention to the history of the faith or denomination. Sit down with a youth pastor and ask questions.
Examine what they and the family may need to change their way of life. Teenagers though need a connection to others beyond their social groupings that can change weekly. Encourage religion and don’t stifle them asking questions of their faith. Read I Timothy 4:12.
Good Luck & God’s Speed,
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: how to get your teen to listen, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen help, teen parenting, teen room
Help Rick, my teenager never comes out of their room. What is appropriate? Do I force the issue and what about the mess?
Well that’s more than one question but a common question. Teenagers create an oasis (if available) that their bedroom is a sanctuary of safety for themselves. Their room represents who they are, which is why if I want to know a teenager I ask, “describe your room to me.” This is a place where a teenager can escape the stress and pressures of life. I have a hard time though with oasis versus private domain. So there shouldn’t be a lock on the door and parents not allowed. Parents do have the right to search or clean a room whenever they choose.
Now a clean room is relevant, but really stress that their room needs to be an extension of their personality. So what if it changes every few months? That is fine because their mood and personality is changing more often than that. But it is important that they have something of their own. So often parents ask me, “I don’t understand my teen’s mood and they won’t tell me how they are feeling.” Either look to their room or listen to their music for answers. So yes trash needs to be thrown away. Yes, vacuuming is novel concept. Clothes in piles should be differentiated between clean and dirty. But stress follow through!! This concept is just developing in their underdeveloped adolescent brain.
I understand your desire for family time. Family dinners at least once a week are not a ridiculous request. The more time together you can have the better as your teenager will try to distance from the family. So, if you want five times a week and your teenager wants zero, then a nice compromise to start with is two. Yes to family time. Also, discourage eating in room and limit video games (another blog another day).
Home work in their room is another blog but test for yourself if multitasking can actually make the grades improve. How well can your teenager handle, music, texting, homework, phone, and anything else they are doing? Teenagers wan their rooms to be “command central.”
But remember as I said in my new book, “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” be careful how and what you say in their rooms. It has been shown that while in a trance like state, what is said with emotion (positive or negative) will stick. So, if your teenager is listening to their music and you gripe and harp on them about their room then your hurtful words will have lasting effects. These words can effect their self-esteem, how they cope with difficulties, and much more. So, wait for them to unplug before having to talk to them. Remember, their room is their oasis.
So, what does your room say about yourself? Is it your oasis?
Rick Zapf, MS,
Author, Family Therapist, and Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com
Filed under: parenting teenagers, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: rick zapf, teen parenting
When I first started working with teens, it was just an opportunity to get my hours completed in my internship. Little did I know, working in the bowels of a high school would help me gain so much insight that others are oblivious to today. When I think back to my own teenage years there are still similarities but alot has changed. One pressure in particular in Socialization. In today’s world, teenagers are bombarded with this concept of global socialization. Look at your teen’s cell contacts or myspace friends. I would guess that more than half are not in a 5 mile radius. Many you have never met or will never meet because they might live in another city, another state, or another country! This idea of connectivity being the life blood of the teenager has changed from socializing in the local village (coming of age) to now half way around the world. I would challenge parents today to stress, especially to younger teenagers that there is a difference between Best Friend, Friend, Acquaintance/Classmate, and Stranger. You’d be surprised what comes out of a teenager’s mouth. So as start this blog I hope that you realize there is help for struggling parents with teenagers and you don’t have to travel this road alone. If you ever have questions, just ask for help!
Rick Zapf
