Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, cell phones, disrespect, family violence, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, power struggle, respect, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t treat the family with respect. What should I do?
It’s very important for your teenager to realize just how disrespect affects the family. It is a tough sell though because you are asking something from teenagers that just isn’t quite there – FULL UNDERSTANDING. Their smart part of their brain just isn’t done growing yet. They need help to realize what words or actions are disrespectful. It may seem easy to us as parents but it isn’t for teenagers. I have had parents comment, “I can’t believe they would treat me or their friends this way.” In actuality others teenagers are obvious to this and this is why teen relationships are often short lived. So as a parent teach about disrespect but more importantly, RESPECT.
Tip – when your teenager rolls their eyes they are not disrespecting you! They hear you!
So, first don’t try to explain to them when they are upset or heated. If their pulse and blood pressure is sky high they can’t access any part of the prefrontal cortex (the smart part of the brain). Give them the space and time then sit them down and talk with them. Better yet show them by example. I had a parent who was berated by her teenager’s words of disrespect. Finally, she turned the tables and whenever they were out with his friends or out in public she made embarrassing comments about her son. “Mom,I don’t want to be out in public with you when I don’t know what will come out of your mouth.” The mother smiled, “Me too!”
Be firm in decisions. One thing I have noticed with parents who kids rule the roost is that parents ask instead of tell. “Can you or could you” leaves the door wide open for your teenager to say no (verbally or by actions). A power struggle ensues. So make the requests clear and concise. Don’t worry about please and thank yous at this point. We need you to get control of your kids now. Do not allow violence in the family or towards any of the other members of the family. Assault is assault regardless of age. Simply state your position and leave the assault situation. Hang in there and if you have questions I’m always here to help!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, communication, gay, house rules, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, lesbian, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, rules, talk to teens, teen help, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, teenagers, teens making out, unconditional love, z1 publications
Rick, I caught my daughter “making out” with one of her female friends. Is she “gay” or what?
Well, before jumping into the pot about being gay I would want to know your house rules for “making out.” If this is inappropriate for either sex, then you need to change your rules and consequences to reflect accordingly. As with any teenager, young or old, I would encourage good parenting and modeling for them to learn from. I would hope all three of you have already, CALMLY, talked about what happened and re-established the house rules.
Now, hopefully whether your daughter is “gay” or straight that you would love her unconditionally. The teenage years are difficult to say the least. Hormones and opportunities are abound and directing them to be safe is beyond difficult. Unfortunately, our teenagers are bombarded with sexual imagery from the media constantly. What is a parent to do? COMMUNICATE! Take the opportunities to chat with your teens about the lyrics and messages they come across each and every day. Some are obvious while others are not. Advertisers use subtle unconscious cues that most of use are not even aware of. But trust me they are there! But limited the exposure and if you can’t limit it enough, talk about it. Don’t use it to be critical just state observations. If you see their eyes roll because of something you said – AWESOME! That means they heard you. Remember, not everyone is “bi” even though it is portrayed as more common. Teens are confused and don’t know what to expect. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you expect from your own child. Not the neighbor or one of their “friends” from Facebook, but your child. Hold them to high standards and expect them to want it too.
Now if you are religious or your cultural beliefs do not embrace “being gay” then you have a more serious issue that would be best mediated by a trained mental health specialist. If they work with teenagers then they should be ready to help you deal with your teenager. Also, look for someone who is trained in family therapy not just individual therapy. What happened is a perfect learning opportunity – don’t let it fly by without doing something!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen dress, teen fashion, teen help, teen parenting, what to wear, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager doesn’t dress appropriately. This often comes from the fathers who are not either “fashion forward” or are protecting a certain look. I had one father who questioned his daughter’s style. Not just her every day style but also her “dressed up” style. He was to take her out for a “fancy” night downtown and the 13 year old daughter was wearing flip flops and a short dress. Arguments ensued because the young teen wanted to be able to say – “This is me” by how she dressed. Dad’s should become involved in what their teenagers wear AND what they buy.
Mothers though are typically more accepting of what to wear. They struggle to find outfits that are stylish and within a budget. But what is appropriate for a tween to wear? I had one mother frustrated back when low-rise jeans came out. “I can’t find any regular jeans anymore.” So what should they wear?
I had another mother who told her 16 year old son to get ready for youth group. He came out minutes later wearing a pair of jeans that had more holes in them than thread (she even brought them for me to see). When the son bocked and asked why, the mother responded appropriately, “Son, you are going to youth group and I can see your penis.”
I had one preteen wanting to argue with me over a summer bikini. So I asked her what makes it appropriate – “all my friends wear one.” When asked about wearing her training bra and panties to the pool she looked mortified. Mom smiled. “Same amount of fabric,” I said with a grin.
You see fashion will continue to be an issue. It has been for decades. Fashion isn’t out of necessity but out of style. You don’t have to wear the designer jeans but you do need to wear pants. You don’t have to carry a Gucci bag, but you do need something for your wallet, keys, and accessories. We shouldn’t judge ourself or others by the outside, especially for what they wear. Get to know what is inside that can make you and others amazing. Parents lead by example here! What is on the inside that you treasure?
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, how to get your teen to listen, masturbation, parent modeling, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, puberty, rick zapf, sex talk, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen help, teen parenting, teen sexuality, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager was caught masturbating. How should I approach them and what should I say?
Well, I’m guessing two things: one, you don’t approve and two, you are talking about your son. Although teen girls are reporting more masturbation than previous decades, masturbation remains a male issue. One thing I would be curious about is how you talked to your son about puberty and “wet dreams.” That would give me a better base for this discussion.
But a couple of months ago I was watching one of those Hollywood coming of age movies where the boy and girl switch as teenagers. They spent quite a bit of script time towards morning erections and what to do about them. Of course this is Hollywood, but where else would your teenager be learning about their sexuality and the “how to?”
What do you want your teenager to do? How do you back up your stance on what you feel is right? One mother said to me, “my boys get short showers or I come pounding on the door to hurry up.” What would you be appropriate talking to your teen about? Of course you could chicken out and say the father needs to talk to his son, but like I said that’s chickening out. Both parents at different times need to relate the importance of healthy sexuality and your family values. But trust me I have heard it all including the mother who said, “in the guys bathroom, that I don’t clean or go into, they have their magazines on the toilet for them.”
What I would encourage is a healthy discussion of when or where masturbation would be appropriate. Remember, not everyone is doing it! Besides that your teenager will be uncomfortable talking about “it,” this is a perfect time to educate and instruct – something I encourage all parents to do! Sexuality is a challenging topic but something that you need to approach.
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, depression symptoms, dr. daniel amen, how to get your teen to listen, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen depression, teen help, teen parenting, teen's brain, teenagers, z1 publications, zapf
Oh I have heard this one at least once a month! And to a certain respect it infuriates me. Not that teens can seem depressed but that parents and teens try to self-diagnose saying, “I have depression.”
I try to clear this up each and every time I go speak – there is NO SUCH THING AS DEPRESSION! Any respectable clinican should NEVER use that word. Popular media has brought depression to the forefront and the actual diagnosis needs to be adressed. Is the teen cyclothymic, dysthymic, major depressive disorder, or something else? See if we used those diagnoses we would just get stares. Say depression and people will remark about the drug commercials they saw last night on TV.
Teens respond best to symptomology. I encourage parents to throw out the word depression to describe their teen’s behavior and use colorful descriptors. Help your teen feel hope when they feel hopeless. Encourage your teen to participate in activities when they now lack interest. Make it tangible to work towards and change.
The other part for both parents and teens to realize is that our brains are complex and we don’t fully understand them. A piece of brain tissue the size of a grain of sand has over 100,00 neurons and over 1 billion synapses or connections! During the teenage years the brain is pruning connections to make your brain more efficient. So as a connection becomes unusable it is severed. But cut too many and now you could be feeling a little “depressed.” So yes teens will easily fit the criteria for Dysthymic Disorder, but get them the help they need to cope.
Researchers also find that your gut has a lot to do with your mood. So have a healthy gut and have a happier life. So what does your teenager eat that is healthy? How regular are they? They aren’t a human garbage disposal and need to be eating healthy. Dr. Daniel Amen has even suggested a high protein, low carb eating plan to help teen brains grow. That means the snacks of carbs they love so much change.
Basically – PARENTS HELP YOUR TEENS!!!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications., www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, porn, pornography, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: how to get your teen to listen, internet, internet filters, internet porn, my teen viewed porn, nanny software, parent advice, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, porn, pornography, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help
Help Rick, my teenager was caught looking at internet pornography. What do I do?
Well, I get this a lot and of course it is much more males than females. Although when I have asked female teens about it they report looking to see what boys like. Great way to affect their self-esteem and body image. However, males look for the excitement. And its just not the sexual excitement that you would think of but also the brain excitement. Ever wondered why males flip through countless TV channels – brain stimulation and not to annoy their spouse. Same holds true for clicking on picture after picture, video after video, download after download. Unfortunately, so much of this is free and easily acceptable.
So what is a parent to do? First off, put in place filters to block objectionable content. These are often called nanny software. There are ways to get around these filters and I have known many a teen who can hack through but it’s a great line of defense.
Next, check the cellphones for pics sent or received. Today sexting is an issue (see my previous blog), but have them understand the dangers of having or sending it, especially since it may be illegal. Also, if there is a high bandwidth being used on the cellphone they could be viewing pics so keep and eye open. Comment about inappropriate pics you may see from other teens when checking their facebook or myspace type sites.
What is important here is to begin communication with an awkward subject. The pics and videos are not all roses. When the camera is turned off or when you don’t see the other part of the video you don’t realize just what happens to many of these “models.”
I devoted a whole section of my book, “How to get your teen to listen” to address how to talk to your teenagers today about pornography. And of course to this parent be sure to follow through on whatever consequence they might have to deal with!
Unfortunately, pornography is becoming more mainstream and acceptable. I worked with a father who struggled for years with pornography addiction. When his teenage daughter caught the father he apologized, but the teenager’s remark stuck with me. “It’s ok dad, most everyone today looks at that stuff.”
What has our society done?
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant. Rick founded www.Z1Publications.com along with other parenting resources for teenagers today.
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: body image, fat, how to get your teen to listen, my teen is fat, parent help, parenting teens, popular media, rick zapf, self-confidence, self-esteem, swimsuit, teen communication, teen diets, teen help, teen nutrition, teens, your fat
Help Rick, my teenager thinks she is fat. What do I say?
Well, unfortunately female girls aren’t the only ones being affected today. Body image is affecting both males and females. Popular culture today says youthful, thin, six-pack abs are in. But this is far from the truth! American obesity is rising, especially among teens. The old adage teenagers can eat anything isn’t true. So check any magazine cover as you check out at the grocery store and you will see just what teens are told to do. So as teenagers start to see the spring bikini photos in magazines and go shopping, parents need to encourage 7 things.
1. What you see in magazines is the exception not the rule. Magazine covers and newslines are made to sell not to show what’s best for your teen.
2. Find clothes that flatter for their body type. If you are uncertain look in any magazine. Remember, their bodies are constantly changing so don’t be down because they’ve changed and they will change again.
3. Encourage modesty especially in public. This can go for both males and females, but what are you trying to portray – fashion forward or needing any type of attention.
4. Don’t do diets but change to “nutrition.” Americans need to challenge their current eating habits for what is healthier. ALL Americans.
5. Exercise only in moderation. Supplements don’t need to be added for more muscle or trimmer thighs. Too much of something is rarely ever healthy.
6. Make little comments while watching TV, but be careful. Do not compare your child but show that stars have bellies or how they have changed over the past years on the show.
7. Weight doesn’t equal “your fat.” Many people are guilty here. Let’s just change this whole concept and just be healthy.
Remember, teens need a boost of self-confidence and self-esteem but not at the expense of their bodies. And dads hang in there – soon enough swimsuit season will be over!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant. Rick founded www.Z1Publications.com along with other parenting resources for teenagers today.
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teen piercing, Uncategorized | Tags: how to get your teen to listen, parenting teens, piercing, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen piercing
My teenager informed me that on their 18th birthday I have no say if they want to get pierced. Now, I am frighfully counting the weeks until they are 18! What am I to do?
Unfortunately, at the ripe and mature ageof 18 your teenager is an ADULT! Not!!!
There is a reason why dependent children can stay on your insurance, continue to have higher car insurance, and continue to need parental support into their early twenties. I have talked with parents that have gone either way and the end result is the parents stressed way too much over the decision.
Teenagers want the opportunity to challenge parental control and yes they can go get anything they want pierced at 18 years old.
But for most it is just a phase and after the novelity wears off or it gets infected becasuse they didn’t take good care of it, their life returns to teenager normalcy. But what would happen if you said yes? What would happen if you were the over protective parent that had way too much information and continued to be overly involved? Would it, could it, rob them of their thunder? Their rebelliousness?
Is getting pierced better or worse than other possibilites at 18 (tatoo, felony, consensual sex, dwi, etc.)?
Of course I’ve talked with other parents who say, “fine, that is adult decision and one that can be made on your own without us or our financial stablitiy in the future.” The choice still is ultimately yours the parent, not the teenager. To what extreme do you want your way to be the way?
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: how to get your teen to listen, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen help, teen parenting, teen room
Help Rick, my teenager never comes out of their room. What is appropriate? Do I force the issue and what about the mess?
Well that’s more than one question but a common question. Teenagers create an oasis (if available) that their bedroom is a sanctuary of safety for themselves. Their room represents who they are, which is why if I want to know a teenager I ask, “describe your room to me.” This is a place where a teenager can escape the stress and pressures of life. I have a hard time though with oasis versus private domain. So there shouldn’t be a lock on the door and parents not allowed. Parents do have the right to search or clean a room whenever they choose.
Now a clean room is relevant, but really stress that their room needs to be an extension of their personality. So what if it changes every few months? That is fine because their mood and personality is changing more often than that. But it is important that they have something of their own. So often parents ask me, “I don’t understand my teen’s mood and they won’t tell me how they are feeling.” Either look to their room or listen to their music for answers. So yes trash needs to be thrown away. Yes, vacuuming is novel concept. Clothes in piles should be differentiated between clean and dirty. But stress follow through!! This concept is just developing in their underdeveloped adolescent brain.
I understand your desire for family time. Family dinners at least once a week are not a ridiculous request. The more time together you can have the better as your teenager will try to distance from the family. So, if you want five times a week and your teenager wants zero, then a nice compromise to start with is two. Yes to family time. Also, discourage eating in room and limit video games (another blog another day).
Home work in their room is another blog but test for yourself if multitasking can actually make the grades improve. How well can your teenager handle, music, texting, homework, phone, and anything else they are doing? Teenagers wan their rooms to be “command central.”
But remember as I said in my new book, “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” be careful how and what you say in their rooms. It has been shown that while in a trance like state, what is said with emotion (positive or negative) will stick. So, if your teenager is listening to their music and you gripe and harp on them about their room then your hurtful words will have lasting effects. These words can effect their self-esteem, how they cope with difficulties, and much more. So, wait for them to unplug before having to talk to them. Remember, their room is their oasis.
So, what does your room say about yourself? Is it your oasis?
Rick Zapf, MS,
Author, Family Therapist, and Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: how to get your teen to liste, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, STD, teen communication, teen help, teen sex
It was late and went to tell my teenager to go to sleep. I opened the door to see them naked and having sex. What should I have done?
My teenager came home the other night and I could tell something was different. I dug and found out my teenager is having sex. How should approach the issue?
I included just two examples of what parents of teenagers have asked me over the years. There are countless more that I could have included and maybe I will in a future article but for our purposes parents are awkward to the mention of that three letter word -SEX. Your child is experiencing a point in their life when the hormones rage beyond belief. And yes SEX does feel good. Do you remember the actual feelings? It is amazing. But controlling the actions associated with the hormones is difficult.
Now depending on your moral stance to premarital sex I could try to debate for and against for pages or hours but let me just take (for this article) the stance that you as a parent don’t want your teenager having sex.
So why not have sex – because you will be asked?
- Because laws, the Bible, and family boundaries say not to!
Now although this is a good answer, this will probably not keep most teenagers from having sex. But we live in a society where traditionally sex waits until later in life. Although popular media says teenage sex happens frequently, statistics are stating something else. So if you use this reason save it until the end of your list. - Because sex changes the dynamics of relationships!
Sex is the ultimate tool to communicate to another person. Sex goes beyond verbal communication and body language to communicate on a deeper level. Unfortunately, sex is being used as a more “feel good” (having a booty call) than as a deep communication link between two people. So just having sex and “hooking up” or a “one nighter” diminishes the effectiveness of later being able to adequately communicate with your partner. And yes once the relationship changes it does usually end for teenagers. - Because STDs are a reality!
Unfortunately, STD rates are not favorable for teenagers. A one in three (1 in 3) of sexually active teens will contract an STD is staggering and sad. Some STDs never go away and their effects can be devastating. And NO condoms do not protect like teens think. In my new book, “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” I go into detail about sex and dispelling the myths of sex. I help parents to actually talk about SEX with an updated perspective for today’s teenagers and their struggles.
So what do you do as a parent?
It’s way past the time to just talk. Teens learn best by example so show them the effects of STDs and sex. Ask your teen and their friends the longest and shortest relationships they have had (showing that relationships change with sex). Find another adult to help you to talk to your teenager about sex and relationships. Remind your teenager that we follow certain principles in society and this house that says no. Encourage a sensual not sexual relationship if it is long standing and serious. And by all means stay vigilant to your teen’s health (physical, mental, relational, and sexual)!
Parenting a Teenager doesn’t have to be Difficult! Click here to sign up for my Free newsletter to parents of teenagers or visit our website (www.how2talk2teens.info) for books and workbooks to help.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant, Author, and Family Therapist
