Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, porn, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, cell phones, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting help with teens texting, parenting rules about texting, parenting teenagers, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen parenting, teens texting, texting privledges, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager won’t stop texting. What should I do?
You are not alone. Texting has become the language of choice for teenagers today. As a matter of fact also for preteens or tweens. I have had many a teen in my office that parents were ready to take away the texting, because of their actions or behavior but almost all have said they’d rather not have a phone at all if they couldn’t have texting. Mom, nobody calls each other anymore.
You see the problem comes from the degree of separation from texting. You cannot hear someone’s tone when they speak and you can’t read their body language which accounts for more than 75% of their communication. That is where teens misunderstand the text, don’t ask for clarification, and don’t have to worry about face to face confrontation. I really think the last one is key and this is where I worry the most for teens and tweens today. The face to face interaction isn’t there. Its removed from texting and social media like Facebook. Teens interactions are getting a failing grade. So what is a parent to do?
First, I don’t recommend taking away a cellphone for punishment. You can read more about that in my book, “how to get your teen to listen.” Their cellphone is their life blood and connection to the outside world. You can however limit and monitor the texts being sent. Second, encourage honesty with house rules – no deletions of texts. As a parent I would be more fervent on what your teenager texts or sends pics than what friends say or do. So if their girlfriend sends a seductive pic of themself that’s one issue, but how your teen responds to that pic is where the main enforcement needs to be addressed. But once again this is where the degree of separation is hurting our teens. I had a parent just yesterday that had to address this issue with her 8th grade son. She also happened to see this teen girl at school and took her parenting role to say, “my son likes you, but the pic you sent isn’t needed because you are more than that.” The teens eyes where huge with concern and embarrassment since someone saw the pic. That is what we are called to do as parents – be parents. Finally, praise your teen for using their texting more maturely. When they text you a problem or concern, a need or want, a prayer or help someone in need – make a huge deal about it. Texting can be used for good not evil! 
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com,www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, depressed teen, happy teen, help, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t smile any longer. They used to be so happy. What am I to do?
It is estimated that young children laugh between 300-600 times a day. When I talk to parents of teens and tweens they relate “their teenager must smile three times a week.” So, to the parent above you are not alone. But what’s the deal with teens? They are so down, depressed, or morose.
The teenage years are the time when social pressures begin to take hold and teens “pull back into their shells.” What is appropriate that I won’t get teased about, put down, or shut down? They are just beginning to realize that the cute girl over there doesn’t think it is funny when I belch louder than a freight train. But where are our teenagers finding their social cues? Are they finding it from media, their friends, family, or other sources?
The difficulty comes when their brains are going through this “pruning process” during adolescence. My book and seminars talk more about this. Teens are chronically living below the happiness line. It’s possibly just their brain chemistry. Let me explain…
Imagine a graph of happiness. 10 is the highest (on an awesome date) and 0 is the lowest (worse day ever – which to them feels like yesterday). Teenagers emotions are on a constant roller coaster of up and down, but most teenager live most of their time below the threshold of let’s say 5. That means most of their time is sad, doom, depressed, and difficult. Like I said earlier, it’s their brains. And this is why so many teenagers love “the thrill” of doing something dangerous and reckless because they can actually feel something for once (usually briefly). So they try drugs, sex, drive fast, etc.
Now comes making your teen smile. They do smile with their friends, but they have been told that they can’t or shouldn’t with you the parent. So start early and do “things” with your teen. Let them experience fun with you and not just with their friends. Be a little daring as a parent and go outside your comfort box to give them an experience different than what they would from their friends. Have other adults in your circle do things to help your teen smile. Memories with teenagers are made from both small and huge gestures on your part. I think I will need to address this in another blog, but I don’t want your brain to explode with too much information. So start there and sleep on it!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: adolescents, book promo, boundaries, brain growth, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen sex, teenagers, video, z1 publications
New book video done! How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting.
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, how to get your teen to listen, masturbation, parent modeling, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, puberty, rick zapf, sex talk, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen help, teen parenting, teen sexuality, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager was caught masturbating. How should I approach them and what should I say?
Well, I’m guessing two things: one, you don’t approve and two, you are talking about your son. Although teen girls are reporting more masturbation than previous decades, masturbation remains a male issue. One thing I would be curious about is how you talked to your son about puberty and “wet dreams.” That would give me a better base for this discussion.
But a couple of months ago I was watching one of those Hollywood coming of age movies where the boy and girl switch as teenagers. They spent quite a bit of script time towards morning erections and what to do about them. Of course this is Hollywood, but where else would your teenager be learning about their sexuality and the “how to?”
What do you want your teenager to do? How do you back up your stance on what you feel is right? One mother said to me, “my boys get short showers or I come pounding on the door to hurry up.” What would you be appropriate talking to your teen about? Of course you could chicken out and say the father needs to talk to his son, but like I said that’s chickening out. Both parents at different times need to relate the importance of healthy sexuality and your family values. But trust me I have heard it all including the mother who said, “in the guys bathroom, that I don’t clean or go into, they have their magazines on the toilet for them.”
What I would encourage is a healthy discussion of when or where masturbation would be appropriate. Remember, not everyone is doing it! Besides that your teenager will be uncomfortable talking about “it,” this is a perfect time to educate and instruct – something I encourage all parents to do! Sexuality is a challenging topic but something that you need to approach.
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, love one another, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, church, finding God, finding religion, how to get your teen to liste, I don't know, I Timothy 4:12, parenting expert, parenting teens, picking a religion, questioning faith, religious denomination, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen parenting, teen religion, teen spirituality, youth pastors, z1 publications
My teenager informed me today that they don’t need to go to church any longer. What do I do?
Wow, what an open, honest, and blind communication from your teenager. Right now your teen is testing boundaries, searching to fit in, yet for most families today church is important. Unfortunately, as they have grown from the elementary age when you held their hand to now when they don’t want you near, your teenager has been testing their own boundaries and beliefs for years now. Teenagers are trying to feel confident in their decisions. But to say they don’t need church or even God is short-sighted.
What does their church, their religion, their spirituality, or their God bring to them? If you truly sat down with them and asked them this it could be enlightening. Of course finding the right time and place without distractions is necessary otherwise you would just get – “I don’t know.” But by all means when a question of faith comes up ask for more before being demanding. Does another faith interest them? Or do they not like the structuralism of the church? Whatever the reason, I would encourage you to say spirituality is not an option but a way of life. Picking the appropriate religion is difficult, yet finding the right church that one is near impossible at this age. Where are their friends going this month or semester is usually where they would want to go. But right now you have the opportunity to sit down with them and compare religions or denominations instead of waiting until they have moved out on their own. They want as much information as possible. Not sure either? Go find a book on religions like, “Religions for Dummies” or read online. Pay attention to the history of the faith or denomination. Sit down with a youth pastor and ask questions.
Examine what they and the family may need to change their way of life. Teenagers though need a connection to others beyond their social groupings that can change weekly. Encourage religion and don’t stifle them asking questions of their faith. Read I Timothy 4:12.
Good Luck & God’s Speed,
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
