Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, teen communication, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, attraction, daniel amen, expectations, hooking up, how to get your teen to listen, no fear, oxytocin, parenting advice, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, phernomes, rick zapf, sex on the brain, sexting, STD, teen communication, teen pregnancy, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, when to date, z1 publications
Help Rick, I caught my teenager online trying to “hook up” for a party this weekend. What should I say?
Well first for those parents who still don’t know “hooking up” is not the same as “hanging out.” Hooking up is having sexual relations with another person or persons just for the act of sex. Instead of it being a “one night stand” teenagers and young adults now are not even waiting the night! Teens continue to believe sex can be just sex. No emotional ties or commitments to the other. So is this even possible?
Personally I don’t think it is possible and no its not because I think it is morally wrong but our bodies are not built for just casual sex with no attachments to occur. When the brain has sex, hormones are released. One of the sex hormones is oxytocin. This hormone has been shown in bonding. This hormone is released giving birth for the mother to bond to her child. Oxytocin is also released during sex to bond the couple. Dr. Daniel Amen talks about this in his book “Sex on the Brain.” So teens in their infinite wisdom think they can outsmart hormones – NOT!
Sex also makes brain connections. Sex is argued that it is good for the body. I think sex is good for the body if you are in a committed relationship as a couple. Another part we don’t really understand are Phernomes. These are the sexual smells that we don’t think we can smell but other animals use in heat for mating. And since we don’t fully understand it I can’t say we are not affected by it.
So with teens, how damaging is “hooking up?” I truly believe it builds in the “no fear response” adrenaline junkies are looking for. It can lead to higher STD and pregnancy rates. NO FEAR! Also, how will they form an attachment to others when they haven’t experienced it positively in their teen years? Then coupled with limited emotional connections it just spells disaster.
So with your teen set down your expectations. If you don’t care you should. Now 1 in 3 sexually active teens will contract an STD. But I would hope you would care more about their emotional health than sexual health. Monitor you teen’s communication. If this parent hadn’t been they would have never known what was going to happen. It’s not an invasion of privacy when they are still a minor. But give your teen the benefit of doubt and don’t just assume. Trust goes a long way even after they have made a mistake.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: how to get your teen to liste, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, STD, teen communication, teen help, teen sex
It was late and went to tell my teenager to go to sleep. I opened the door to see them naked and having sex. What should I have done?
My teenager came home the other night and I could tell something was different. I dug and found out my teenager is having sex. How should approach the issue?
I included just two examples of what parents of teenagers have asked me over the years. There are countless more that I could have included and maybe I will in a future article but for our purposes parents are awkward to the mention of that three letter word -SEX. Your child is experiencing a point in their life when the hormones rage beyond belief. And yes SEX does feel good. Do you remember the actual feelings? It is amazing. But controlling the actions associated with the hormones is difficult.
Now depending on your moral stance to premarital sex I could try to debate for and against for pages or hours but let me just take (for this article) the stance that you as a parent don’t want your teenager having sex.
So why not have sex – because you will be asked?
- Because laws, the Bible, and family boundaries say not to!
Now although this is a good answer, this will probably not keep most teenagers from having sex. But we live in a society where traditionally sex waits until later in life. Although popular media says teenage sex happens frequently, statistics are stating something else. So if you use this reason save it until the end of your list. - Because sex changes the dynamics of relationships!
Sex is the ultimate tool to communicate to another person. Sex goes beyond verbal communication and body language to communicate on a deeper level. Unfortunately, sex is being used as a more “feel good” (having a booty call) than as a deep communication link between two people. So just having sex and “hooking up” or a “one nighter” diminishes the effectiveness of later being able to adequately communicate with your partner. And yes once the relationship changes it does usually end for teenagers. - Because STDs are a reality!
Unfortunately, STD rates are not favorable for teenagers. A one in three (1 in 3) of sexually active teens will contract an STD is staggering and sad. Some STDs never go away and their effects can be devastating. And NO condoms do not protect like teens think. In my new book, “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” I go into detail about sex and dispelling the myths of sex. I help parents to actually talk about SEX with an updated perspective for today’s teenagers and their struggles.
So what do you do as a parent?
It’s way past the time to just talk. Teens learn best by example so show them the effects of STDs and sex. Ask your teen and their friends the longest and shortest relationships they have had (showing that relationships change with sex). Find another adult to help you to talk to your teenager about sex and relationships. Remind your teenager that we follow certain principles in society and this house that says no. Encourage a sensual not sexual relationship if it is long standing and serious. And by all means stay vigilant to your teen’s health (physical, mental, relational, and sexual)!
Parenting a Teenager doesn’t have to be Difficult! Click here to sign up for my Free newsletter to parents of teenagers or visit our website (www.how2talk2teens.info) for books and workbooks to help.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant, Author, and Family Therapist
