Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, cell phones, disrespect, family violence, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, power struggle, respect, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t treat the family with respect. What should I do?
It’s very important for your teenager to realize just how disrespect affects the family. It is a tough sell though because you are asking something from teenagers that just isn’t quite there – FULL UNDERSTANDING. Their smart part of their brain just isn’t done growing yet. They need help to realize what words or actions are disrespectful. It may seem easy to us as parents but it isn’t for teenagers. I have had parents comment, “I can’t believe they would treat me or their friends this way.” In actuality others teenagers are obvious to this and this is why teen relationships are often short lived. So as a parent teach about disrespect but more importantly, RESPECT.
Tip – when your teenager rolls their eyes they are not disrespecting you! They hear you!
So, first don’t try to explain to them when they are upset or heated. If their pulse and blood pressure is sky high they can’t access any part of the prefrontal cortex (the smart part of the brain). Give them the space and time then sit them down and talk with them. Better yet show them by example. I had a parent who was berated by her teenager’s words of disrespect. Finally, she turned the tables and whenever they were out with his friends or out in public she made embarrassing comments about her son. “Mom,I don’t want to be out in public with you when I don’t know what will come out of your mouth.” The mother smiled, “Me too!”
Be firm in decisions. One thing I have noticed with parents who kids rule the roost is that parents ask instead of tell. “Can you or could you” leaves the door wide open for your teenager to say no (verbally or by actions). A power struggle ensues. So make the requests clear and concise. Don’t worry about please and thank yous at this point. We need you to get control of your kids now. Do not allow violence in the family or towards any of the other members of the family. Assault is assault regardless of age. Simply state your position and leave the assault situation. Hang in there and if you have questions I’m always here to help!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, communication, gay, house rules, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, lesbian, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, rules, talk to teens, teen help, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, teenagers, teens making out, unconditional love, z1 publications
Rick, I caught my daughter “making out” with one of her female friends. Is she “gay” or what?
Well, before jumping into the pot about being gay I would want to know your house rules for “making out.” If this is inappropriate for either sex, then you need to change your rules and consequences to reflect accordingly. As with any teenager, young or old, I would encourage good parenting and modeling for them to learn from. I would hope all three of you have already, CALMLY, talked about what happened and re-established the house rules.
Now, hopefully whether your daughter is “gay” or straight that you would love her unconditionally. The teenage years are difficult to say the least. Hormones and opportunities are abound and directing them to be safe is beyond difficult. Unfortunately, our teenagers are bombarded with sexual imagery from the media constantly. What is a parent to do? COMMUNICATE! Take the opportunities to chat with your teens about the lyrics and messages they come across each and every day. Some are obvious while others are not. Advertisers use subtle unconscious cues that most of use are not even aware of. But trust me they are there! But limited the exposure and if you can’t limit it enough, talk about it. Don’t use it to be critical just state observations. If you see their eyes roll because of something you said – AWESOME! That means they heard you. Remember, not everyone is “bi” even though it is portrayed as more common. Teens are confused and don’t know what to expect. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you expect from your own child. Not the neighbor or one of their “friends” from Facebook, but your child. Hold them to high standards and expect them to want it too.
Now if you are religious or your cultural beliefs do not embrace “being gay” then you have a more serious issue that would be best mediated by a trained mental health specialist. If they work with teenagers then they should be ready to help you deal with your teenager. Also, look for someone who is trained in family therapy not just individual therapy. What happened is a perfect learning opportunity – don’t let it fly by without doing something!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: adolescents, book promo, boundaries, brain growth, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen sex, teenagers, video, z1 publications
New book video done! How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting.
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen dress, teen fashion, teen help, teen parenting, what to wear, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager doesn’t dress appropriately. This often comes from the fathers who are not either “fashion forward” or are protecting a certain look. I had one father who questioned his daughter’s style. Not just her every day style but also her “dressed up” style. He was to take her out for a “fancy” night downtown and the 13 year old daughter was wearing flip flops and a short dress. Arguments ensued because the young teen wanted to be able to say – “This is me” by how she dressed. Dad’s should become involved in what their teenagers wear AND what they buy.
Mothers though are typically more accepting of what to wear. They struggle to find outfits that are stylish and within a budget. But what is appropriate for a tween to wear? I had one mother frustrated back when low-rise jeans came out. “I can’t find any regular jeans anymore.” So what should they wear?
I had another mother who told her 16 year old son to get ready for youth group. He came out minutes later wearing a pair of jeans that had more holes in them than thread (she even brought them for me to see). When the son bocked and asked why, the mother responded appropriately, “Son, you are going to youth group and I can see your penis.”
I had one preteen wanting to argue with me over a summer bikini. So I asked her what makes it appropriate – “all my friends wear one.” When asked about wearing her training bra and panties to the pool she looked mortified. Mom smiled. “Same amount of fabric,” I said with a grin.
You see fashion will continue to be an issue. It has been for decades. Fashion isn’t out of necessity but out of style. You don’t have to wear the designer jeans but you do need to wear pants. You don’t have to carry a Gucci bag, but you do need something for your wallet, keys, and accessories. We shouldn’t judge ourself or others by the outside, especially for what they wear. Get to know what is inside that can make you and others amazing. Parents lead by example here! What is on the inside that you treasure?
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, depression symptoms, dr. daniel amen, how to get your teen to listen, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen depression, teen help, teen parenting, teen's brain, teenagers, z1 publications, zapf
Oh I have heard this one at least once a month! And to a certain respect it infuriates me. Not that teens can seem depressed but that parents and teens try to self-diagnose saying, “I have depression.”
I try to clear this up each and every time I go speak – there is NO SUCH THING AS DEPRESSION! Any respectable clinican should NEVER use that word. Popular media has brought depression to the forefront and the actual diagnosis needs to be adressed. Is the teen cyclothymic, dysthymic, major depressive disorder, or something else? See if we used those diagnoses we would just get stares. Say depression and people will remark about the drug commercials they saw last night on TV.
Teens respond best to symptomology. I encourage parents to throw out the word depression to describe their teen’s behavior and use colorful descriptors. Help your teen feel hope when they feel hopeless. Encourage your teen to participate in activities when they now lack interest. Make it tangible to work towards and change.
The other part for both parents and teens to realize is that our brains are complex and we don’t fully understand them. A piece of brain tissue the size of a grain of sand has over 100,00 neurons and over 1 billion synapses or connections! During the teenage years the brain is pruning connections to make your brain more efficient. So as a connection becomes unusable it is severed. But cut too many and now you could be feeling a little “depressed.” So yes teens will easily fit the criteria for Dysthymic Disorder, but get them the help they need to cope.
Researchers also find that your gut has a lot to do with your mood. So have a healthy gut and have a happier life. So what does your teenager eat that is healthy? How regular are they? They aren’t a human garbage disposal and need to be eating healthy. Dr. Daniel Amen has even suggested a high protein, low carb eating plan to help teen brains grow. That means the snacks of carbs they love so much change.
Basically – PARENTS HELP YOUR TEENS!!!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications., www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, book, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: how to get your teen to listen, moving out, parenting, parenting help, parenting teens, rick zapf, running away, teen angst, teen communication, teen problems, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager just wants to move out.
You need help right away! Often when I hear this, most teenagers are so frustrated they only see getting out as the only option. Running away or living with a friend are the only options instead of working through the difficulty.
Somehow today parents are making their homes safe havens for teens to crash or live there. Often, parents are trying to help but unfortunately they can do more harm than good. I had a teen just the other day who just couldn’t live at home any more and wanted to live with her boyfriend’s family. The boyfriend’s family agreed to help without fully consulting the other parents. When the mother came to talk to the boyfriend’s parents they had no idea life was that good with mom. It may seem like the end of the world to the teen, but often its not.
I even had a radio interview with Steven Diamond with stopstressingnow.com and we chatted about runaways. There are many resources to help even if it is an abusive environment. But how do you make your home stable and secure?
I encourage teens to find positives and weigh the options instead of just acting on impulse and regretting the decision. It is slowing them down to think clearly before they just react. Once they are out it seems that there is no way to go back (tail between the legs) or to find other options of help instead of living with their parents.
It amazes me when I start talking to teens about adult life just how clueless they are. Does your teen even know about insurances – car, home/renters, health, life, etc? I also mention other "adult issues" and their eyes continue to open wide. It isn’t easy out there. Unfortunately, as parents we often make it look too easy sometimes. With help, parents can change the situation teens are in. Parents need to make an environment where they can discuss their problems with adults who are in the know and can help. To reassure the teen that tomorrow can get better and even if it didn’t it can’t be bad forever.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
Rick is an author, speaker, family therapist, and Teen Communication Consultant who helps parents survive the teen years. Visit www.Z1Publications.com for more parenting resources.
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, porn, pornography, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: how to get your teen to listen, internet, internet filters, internet porn, my teen viewed porn, nanny software, parent advice, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, porn, pornography, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help
Help Rick, my teenager was caught looking at internet pornography. What do I do?
Well, I get this a lot and of course it is much more males than females. Although when I have asked female teens about it they report looking to see what boys like. Great way to affect their self-esteem and body image. However, males look for the excitement. And its just not the sexual excitement that you would think of but also the brain excitement. Ever wondered why males flip through countless TV channels – brain stimulation and not to annoy their spouse. Same holds true for clicking on picture after picture, video after video, download after download. Unfortunately, so much of this is free and easily acceptable.
So what is a parent to do? First off, put in place filters to block objectionable content. These are often called nanny software. There are ways to get around these filters and I have known many a teen who can hack through but it’s a great line of defense.
Next, check the cellphones for pics sent or received. Today sexting is an issue (see my previous blog), but have them understand the dangers of having or sending it, especially since it may be illegal. Also, if there is a high bandwidth being used on the cellphone they could be viewing pics so keep and eye open. Comment about inappropriate pics you may see from other teens when checking their facebook or myspace type sites.
What is important here is to begin communication with an awkward subject. The pics and videos are not all roses. When the camera is turned off or when you don’t see the other part of the video you don’t realize just what happens to many of these “models.”
I devoted a whole section of my book, “How to get your teen to listen” to address how to talk to your teenagers today about pornography. And of course to this parent be sure to follow through on whatever consequence they might have to deal with!
Unfortunately, pornography is becoming more mainstream and acceptable. I worked with a father who struggled for years with pornography addiction. When his teenage daughter caught the father he apologized, but the teenager’s remark stuck with me. “It’s ok dad, most everyone today looks at that stuff.”
What has our society done?
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant. Rick founded www.Z1Publications.com along with other parenting resources for teenagers today.
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: body image, fat, how to get your teen to listen, my teen is fat, parent help, parenting teens, popular media, rick zapf, self-confidence, self-esteem, swimsuit, teen communication, teen diets, teen help, teen nutrition, teens, your fat
Help Rick, my teenager thinks she is fat. What do I say?
Well, unfortunately female girls aren’t the only ones being affected today. Body image is affecting both males and females. Popular culture today says youthful, thin, six-pack abs are in. But this is far from the truth! American obesity is rising, especially among teens. The old adage teenagers can eat anything isn’t true. So check any magazine cover as you check out at the grocery store and you will see just what teens are told to do. So as teenagers start to see the spring bikini photos in magazines and go shopping, parents need to encourage 7 things.
1. What you see in magazines is the exception not the rule. Magazine covers and newslines are made to sell not to show what’s best for your teen.
2. Find clothes that flatter for their body type. If you are uncertain look in any magazine. Remember, their bodies are constantly changing so don’t be down because they’ve changed and they will change again.
3. Encourage modesty especially in public. This can go for both males and females, but what are you trying to portray – fashion forward or needing any type of attention.
4. Don’t do diets but change to “nutrition.” Americans need to challenge their current eating habits for what is healthier. ALL Americans.
5. Exercise only in moderation. Supplements don’t need to be added for more muscle or trimmer thighs. Too much of something is rarely ever healthy.
6. Make little comments while watching TV, but be careful. Do not compare your child but show that stars have bellies or how they have changed over the past years on the show.
7. Weight doesn’t equal “your fat.” Many people are guilty here. Let’s just change this whole concept and just be healthy.
Remember, teens need a boost of self-confidence and self-esteem but not at the expense of their bodies. And dads hang in there – soon enough swimsuit season will be over!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant. Rick founded www.Z1Publications.com along with other parenting resources for teenagers today.
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, love one another, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, church, finding God, finding religion, how to get your teen to liste, I don't know, I Timothy 4:12, parenting expert, parenting teens, picking a religion, questioning faith, religious denomination, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen parenting, teen religion, teen spirituality, youth pastors, z1 publications
My teenager informed me today that they don’t need to go to church any longer. What do I do?
Wow, what an open, honest, and blind communication from your teenager. Right now your teen is testing boundaries, searching to fit in, yet for most families today church is important. Unfortunately, as they have grown from the elementary age when you held their hand to now when they don’t want you near, your teenager has been testing their own boundaries and beliefs for years now. Teenagers are trying to feel confident in their decisions. But to say they don’t need church or even God is short-sighted.
What does their church, their religion, their spirituality, or their God bring to them? If you truly sat down with them and asked them this it could be enlightening. Of course finding the right time and place without distractions is necessary otherwise you would just get – “I don’t know.” But by all means when a question of faith comes up ask for more before being demanding. Does another faith interest them? Or do they not like the structuralism of the church? Whatever the reason, I would encourage you to say spirituality is not an option but a way of life. Picking the appropriate religion is difficult, yet finding the right church that one is near impossible at this age. Where are their friends going this month or semester is usually where they would want to go. But right now you have the opportunity to sit down with them and compare religions or denominations instead of waiting until they have moved out on their own. They want as much information as possible. Not sure either? Go find a book on religions like, “Religions for Dummies” or read online. Pay attention to the history of the faith or denomination. Sit down with a youth pastor and ask questions.
Examine what they and the family may need to change their way of life. Teenagers though need a connection to others beyond their social groupings that can change weekly. Encourage religion and don’t stifle them asking questions of their faith. Read I Timothy 4:12.
Good Luck & God’s Speed,
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, brain growth, maturing, parenting teens
What is appropriate for my teenager to sleep? I think they sleep too much.
It’s amazing as a parent, to look at others and try to remember going through the same situations with your own child. When your child was a baby, they slept, ate, pooped, and took in everything in their environment. A child’s brain in the first three years grows at an alarming rate. So much of an infants resources goes straight to brain growth.
Now, your teenagers hormones have kicked in. The brain growth continues but it is different. Instead of making a cobb web-like brain as in children, your teenager’s brain has become the Edward Scissorhands of efficiency. Your teenagers brain is attempting to grow stronger cords between neurons and radically cutting the weaker connections that aren’t needed. Hence the forgetfulness, mood swings, and believing their way is the only way.
But all this takes energy and sleep. So if it seems as if your teenager is sleeping as much as when s/he was a baby – they need it just like the baby. Without out enough sleep they will become cranky.
Another difficulty is their sleep rhythm is skewed. They can stay up late and prefer to sleep late. Schools in the decade have experimented with starting school later to increase attendance score AND academic scores. And guess what it works! If a teen’s sleep pattern is really off just ask me how to reset the body naturally.
The simple fact is teenagers need ample sleep.
So be compassionate. Yes their best study time might be after 9pm but that doesn’t mean you can or want to help them that late.
There are others in the house that their needs should be considered. But more times than not, teens sleeping too much is not the signal for clinical depression. More on that later.
Rick Zapf, ms
Teen communication consultant
Www.z1publications.com
