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Help Rick, My Teenager won’t stop texting. What should I do?
You are not alone. Texting has become the language of choice for teenagers today. As a matter of fact also for preteens or tweens. I have had many a teen in my office that parents were ready to take away the texting, because of their actions or behavior but almost all have said they’d rather not have a phone at all if they couldn’t have texting. Mom, nobody calls each other anymore.
You see the problem comes from the degree of separation from texting. You cannot hear someone’s tone when they speak and you can’t read their body language which accounts for more than 75% of their communication. That is where teens misunderstand the text, don’t ask for clarification, and don’t have to worry about face to face confrontation. I really think the last one is key and this is where I worry the most for teens and tweens today. The face to face interaction isn’t there. Its removed from texting and social media like Facebook. Teens interactions are getting a failing grade. So what is a parent to do?
First, I don’t recommend taking away a cellphone for punishment. You can read more about that in my book, “how to get your teen to listen.” Their cellphone is their life blood and connection to the outside world. You can however limit and monitor the texts being sent. Second, encourage honesty with house rules – no deletions of texts. As a parent I would be more fervent on what your teenager texts or sends pics than what friends say or do. So if their girlfriend sends a seductive pic of themself that’s one issue, but how your teen responds to that pic is where the main enforcement needs to be addressed. But once again this is where the degree of separation is hurting our teens. I had a parent just yesterday that had to address this issue with her 8th grade son. She also happened to see this teen girl at school and took her parenting role to say, “my son likes you, but the pic you sent isn’t needed because you are more than that.” The teens eyes where huge with concern and embarrassment since someone saw the pic. That is what we are called to do as parents – be parents. Finally, praise your teen for using their texting more maturely. When they text you a problem or concern, a need or want, a prayer or help someone in need – make a huge deal about it. Texting can be used for good not evil! 
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com,www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, cell phones, disrespect, family violence, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, power struggle, respect, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t treat the family with respect. What should I do?
It’s very important for your teenager to realize just how disrespect affects the family. It is a tough sell though because you are asking something from teenagers that just isn’t quite there – FULL UNDERSTANDING. Their smart part of their brain just isn’t done growing yet. They need help to realize what words or actions are disrespectful. It may seem easy to us as parents but it isn’t for teenagers. I have had parents comment, “I can’t believe they would treat me or their friends this way.” In actuality others teenagers are obvious to this and this is why teen relationships are often short lived. So as a parent teach about disrespect but more importantly, RESPECT.
Tip – when your teenager rolls their eyes they are not disrespecting you! They hear you!
So, first don’t try to explain to them when they are upset or heated. If their pulse and blood pressure is sky high they can’t access any part of the prefrontal cortex (the smart part of the brain). Give them the space and time then sit them down and talk with them. Better yet show them by example. I had a parent who was berated by her teenager’s words of disrespect. Finally, she turned the tables and whenever they were out with his friends or out in public she made embarrassing comments about her son. “Mom,I don’t want to be out in public with you when I don’t know what will come out of your mouth.” The mother smiled, “Me too!”
Be firm in decisions. One thing I have noticed with parents who kids rule the roost is that parents ask instead of tell. “Can you or could you” leaves the door wide open for your teenager to say no (verbally or by actions). A power struggle ensues. So make the requests clear and concise. Don’t worry about please and thank yous at this point. We need you to get control of your kids now. Do not allow violence in the family or towards any of the other members of the family. Assault is assault regardless of age. Simply state your position and leave the assault situation. Hang in there and if you have questions I’m always here to help!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
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Help Rick, My Teenager can’t smile any longer. They used to be so happy. What am I to do?
It is estimated that young children laugh between 300-600 times a day. When I talk to parents of teens and tweens they relate “their teenager must smile three times a week.” So, to the parent above you are not alone. But what’s the deal with teens? They are so down, depressed, or morose.
The teenage years are the time when social pressures begin to take hold and teens “pull back into their shells.” What is appropriate that I won’t get teased about, put down, or shut down? They are just beginning to realize that the cute girl over there doesn’t think it is funny when I belch louder than a freight train. But where are our teenagers finding their social cues? Are they finding it from media, their friends, family, or other sources?
The difficulty comes when their brains are going through this “pruning process” during adolescence. My book and seminars talk more about this. Teens are chronically living below the happiness line. It’s possibly just their brain chemistry. Let me explain…
Imagine a graph of happiness. 10 is the highest (on an awesome date) and 0 is the lowest (worse day ever – which to them feels like yesterday). Teenagers emotions are on a constant roller coaster of up and down, but most teenager live most of their time below the threshold of let’s say 5. That means most of their time is sad, doom, depressed, and difficult. Like I said earlier, it’s their brains. And this is why so many teenagers love “the thrill” of doing something dangerous and reckless because they can actually feel something for once (usually briefly). So they try drugs, sex, drive fast, etc.
Now comes making your teen smile. They do smile with their friends, but they have been told that they can’t or shouldn’t with you the parent. So start early and do “things” with your teen. Let them experience fun with you and not just with their friends. Be a little daring as a parent and go outside your comfort box to give them an experience different than what they would from their friends. Have other adults in your circle do things to help your teen smile. Memories with teenagers are made from both small and huge gestures on your part. I think I will need to address this in another blog, but I don’t want your brain to explode with too much information. So start there and sleep on it!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
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Rick, I caught my daughter “making out” with one of her female friends. Is she “gay” or what?
Well, before jumping into the pot about being gay I would want to know your house rules for “making out.” If this is inappropriate for either sex, then you need to change your rules and consequences to reflect accordingly. As with any teenager, young or old, I would encourage good parenting and modeling for them to learn from. I would hope all three of you have already, CALMLY, talked about what happened and re-established the house rules.
Now, hopefully whether your daughter is “gay” or straight that you would love her unconditionally. The teenage years are difficult to say the least. Hormones and opportunities are abound and directing them to be safe is beyond difficult. Unfortunately, our teenagers are bombarded with sexual imagery from the media constantly. What is a parent to do? COMMUNICATE! Take the opportunities to chat with your teens about the lyrics and messages they come across each and every day. Some are obvious while others are not. Advertisers use subtle unconscious cues that most of use are not even aware of. But trust me they are there! But limited the exposure and if you can’t limit it enough, talk about it. Don’t use it to be critical just state observations. If you see their eyes roll because of something you said – AWESOME! That means they heard you. Remember, not everyone is “bi” even though it is portrayed as more common. Teens are confused and don’t know what to expect. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you expect from your own child. Not the neighbor or one of their “friends” from Facebook, but your child. Hold them to high standards and expect them to want it too.
Now if you are religious or your cultural beliefs do not embrace “being gay” then you have a more serious issue that would be best mediated by a trained mental health specialist. If they work with teenagers then they should be ready to help you deal with your teenager. Also, look for someone who is trained in family therapy not just individual therapy. What happened is a perfect learning opportunity – don’t let it fly by without doing something!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
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New book video done! How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting.
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen dress, teen fashion, teen help, teen parenting, what to wear, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager doesn’t dress appropriately. This often comes from the fathers who are not either “fashion forward” or are protecting a certain look. I had one father who questioned his daughter’s style. Not just her every day style but also her “dressed up” style. He was to take her out for a “fancy” night downtown and the 13 year old daughter was wearing flip flops and a short dress. Arguments ensued because the young teen wanted to be able to say – “This is me” by how she dressed. Dad’s should become involved in what their teenagers wear AND what they buy.
Mothers though are typically more accepting of what to wear. They struggle to find outfits that are stylish and within a budget. But what is appropriate for a tween to wear? I had one mother frustrated back when low-rise jeans came out. “I can’t find any regular jeans anymore.” So what should they wear?
I had another mother who told her 16 year old son to get ready for youth group. He came out minutes later wearing a pair of jeans that had more holes in them than thread (she even brought them for me to see). When the son bocked and asked why, the mother responded appropriately, “Son, you are going to youth group and I can see your penis.”
I had one preteen wanting to argue with me over a summer bikini. So I asked her what makes it appropriate – “all my friends wear one.” When asked about wearing her training bra and panties to the pool she looked mortified. Mom smiled. “Same amount of fabric,” I said with a grin.
You see fashion will continue to be an issue. It has been for decades. Fashion isn’t out of necessity but out of style. You don’t have to wear the designer jeans but you do need to wear pants. You don’t have to carry a Gucci bag, but you do need something for your wallet, keys, and accessories. We shouldn’t judge ourself or others by the outside, especially for what they wear. Get to know what is inside that can make you and others amazing. Parents lead by example here! What is on the inside that you treasure?
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
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Help Rick, I caught my teenager online trying to “hook up” for a party this weekend. What should I say?
Well first for those parents who still don’t know “hooking up” is not the same as “hanging out.” Hooking up is having sexual relations with another person or persons just for the act of sex. Instead of it being a “one night stand” teenagers and young adults now are not even waiting the night! Teens continue to believe sex can be just sex. No emotional ties or commitments to the other. So is this even possible?
Personally I don’t think it is possible and no its not because I think it is morally wrong but our bodies are not built for just casual sex with no attachments to occur. When the brain has sex, hormones are released. One of the sex hormones is oxytocin. This hormone has been shown in bonding. This hormone is released giving birth for the mother to bond to her child. Oxytocin is also released during sex to bond the couple. Dr. Daniel Amen talks about this in his book “Sex on the Brain.” So teens in their infinite wisdom think they can outsmart hormones – NOT!
Sex also makes brain connections. Sex is argued that it is good for the body. I think sex is good for the body if you are in a committed relationship as a couple. Another part we don’t really understand are Phernomes. These are the sexual smells that we don’t think we can smell but other animals use in heat for mating. And since we don’t fully understand it I can’t say we are not affected by it.
So with teens, how damaging is “hooking up?” I truly believe it builds in the “no fear response” adrenaline junkies are looking for. It can lead to higher STD and pregnancy rates. NO FEAR! Also, how will they form an attachment to others when they haven’t experienced it positively in their teen years? Then coupled with limited emotional connections it just spells disaster.
So with your teen set down your expectations. If you don’t care you should. Now 1 in 3 sexually active teens will contract an STD. But I would hope you would care more about their emotional health than sexual health. Monitor you teen’s communication. If this parent hadn’t been they would have never known what was going to happen. It’s not an invasion of privacy when they are still a minor. But give your teen the benefit of doubt and don’t just assume. Trust goes a long way even after they have made a mistake.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com
