Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, depressed teen, happy teen, help, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t smile any longer. They used to be so happy. What am I to do?
It is estimated that young children laugh between 300-600 times a day. When I talk to parents of teens and tweens they relate “their teenager must smile three times a week.” So, to the parent above you are not alone. But what’s the deal with teens? They are so down, depressed, or morose.
The teenage years are the time when social pressures begin to take hold and teens “pull back into their shells.” What is appropriate that I won’t get teased about, put down, or shut down? They are just beginning to realize that the cute girl over there doesn’t think it is funny when I belch louder than a freight train. But where are our teenagers finding their social cues? Are they finding it from media, their friends, family, or other sources?
The difficulty comes when their brains are going through this “pruning process” during adolescence. My book and seminars talk more about this. Teens are chronically living below the happiness line. It’s possibly just their brain chemistry. Let me explain…
Imagine a graph of happiness. 10 is the highest (on an awesome date) and 0 is the lowest (worse day ever – which to them feels like yesterday). Teenagers emotions are on a constant roller coaster of up and down, but most teenager live most of their time below the threshold of let’s say 5. That means most of their time is sad, doom, depressed, and difficult. Like I said earlier, it’s their brains. And this is why so many teenagers love “the thrill” of doing something dangerous and reckless because they can actually feel something for once (usually briefly). So they try drugs, sex, drive fast, etc.
Now comes making your teen smile. They do smile with their friends, but they have been told that they can’t or shouldn’t with you the parent. So start early and do “things” with your teen. Let them experience fun with you and not just with their friends. Be a little daring as a parent and go outside your comfort box to give them an experience different than what they would from their friends. Have other adults in your circle do things to help your teen smile. Memories with teenagers are made from both small and huge gestures on your part. I think I will need to address this in another blog, but I don’t want your brain to explode with too much information. So start there and sleep on it!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, communication, gay, house rules, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, lesbian, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, rules, talk to teens, teen help, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, teenagers, teens making out, unconditional love, z1 publications
Rick, I caught my daughter “making out” with one of her female friends. Is she “gay” or what?
Well, before jumping into the pot about being gay I would want to know your house rules for “making out.” If this is inappropriate for either sex, then you need to change your rules and consequences to reflect accordingly. As with any teenager, young or old, I would encourage good parenting and modeling for them to learn from. I would hope all three of you have already, CALMLY, talked about what happened and re-established the house rules.
Now, hopefully whether your daughter is “gay” or straight that you would love her unconditionally. The teenage years are difficult to say the least. Hormones and opportunities are abound and directing them to be safe is beyond difficult. Unfortunately, our teenagers are bombarded with sexual imagery from the media constantly. What is a parent to do? COMMUNICATE! Take the opportunities to chat with your teens about the lyrics and messages they come across each and every day. Some are obvious while others are not. Advertisers use subtle unconscious cues that most of use are not even aware of. But trust me they are there! But limited the exposure and if you can’t limit it enough, talk about it. Don’t use it to be critical just state observations. If you see their eyes roll because of something you said – AWESOME! That means they heard you. Remember, not everyone is “bi” even though it is portrayed as more common. Teens are confused and don’t know what to expect. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you expect from your own child. Not the neighbor or one of their “friends” from Facebook, but your child. Hold them to high standards and expect them to want it too.
Now if you are religious or your cultural beliefs do not embrace “being gay” then you have a more serious issue that would be best mediated by a trained mental health specialist. If they work with teenagers then they should be ready to help you deal with your teenager. Also, look for someone who is trained in family therapy not just individual therapy. What happened is a perfect learning opportunity – don’t let it fly by without doing something!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, love one another, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, church, finding God, finding religion, how to get your teen to liste, I don't know, I Timothy 4:12, parenting expert, parenting teens, picking a religion, questioning faith, religious denomination, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen parenting, teen religion, teen spirituality, youth pastors, z1 publications
My teenager informed me today that they don’t need to go to church any longer. What do I do?
Wow, what an open, honest, and blind communication from your teenager. Right now your teen is testing boundaries, searching to fit in, yet for most families today church is important. Unfortunately, as they have grown from the elementary age when you held their hand to now when they don’t want you near, your teenager has been testing their own boundaries and beliefs for years now. Teenagers are trying to feel confident in their decisions. But to say they don’t need church or even God is short-sighted.
What does their church, their religion, their spirituality, or their God bring to them? If you truly sat down with them and asked them this it could be enlightening. Of course finding the right time and place without distractions is necessary otherwise you would just get – “I don’t know.” But by all means when a question of faith comes up ask for more before being demanding. Does another faith interest them? Or do they not like the structuralism of the church? Whatever the reason, I would encourage you to say spirituality is not an option but a way of life. Picking the appropriate religion is difficult, yet finding the right church that one is near impossible at this age. Where are their friends going this month or semester is usually where they would want to go. But right now you have the opportunity to sit down with them and compare religions or denominations instead of waiting until they have moved out on their own. They want as much information as possible. Not sure either? Go find a book on religions like, “Religions for Dummies” or read online. Pay attention to the history of the faith or denomination. Sit down with a youth pastor and ask questions.
Examine what they and the family may need to change their way of life. Teenagers though need a connection to others beyond their social groupings that can change weekly. Encourage religion and don’t stifle them asking questions of their faith. Read I Timothy 4:12.
Good Luck & God’s Speed,
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
