Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, love one another, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, church, finding God, finding religion, how to get your teen to liste, I don't know, I Timothy 4:12, parenting expert, parenting teens, picking a religion, questioning faith, religious denomination, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen parenting, teen religion, teen spirituality, youth pastors, z1 publications
My teenager informed me today that they don’t need to go to church any longer. What do I do?
Wow, what an open, honest, and blind communication from your teenager. Right now your teen is testing boundaries, searching to fit in, yet for most families today church is important. Unfortunately, as they have grown from the elementary age when you held their hand to now when they don’t want you near, your teenager has been testing their own boundaries and beliefs for years now. Teenagers are trying to feel confident in their decisions. But to say they don’t need church or even God is short-sighted.
What does their church, their religion, their spirituality, or their God bring to them? If you truly sat down with them and asked them this it could be enlightening. Of course finding the right time and place without distractions is necessary otherwise you would just get – “I don’t know.” But by all means when a question of faith comes up ask for more before being demanding. Does another faith interest them? Or do they not like the structuralism of the church? Whatever the reason, I would encourage you to say spirituality is not an option but a way of life. Picking the appropriate religion is difficult, yet finding the right church that one is near impossible at this age. Where are their friends going this month or semester is usually where they would want to go. But right now you have the opportunity to sit down with them and compare religions or denominations instead of waiting until they have moved out on their own. They want as much information as possible. Not sure either? Go find a book on religions like, “Religions for Dummies” or read online. Pay attention to the history of the faith or denomination. Sit down with a youth pastor and ask questions.
Examine what they and the family may need to change their way of life. Teenagers though need a connection to others beyond their social groupings that can change weekly. Encourage religion and don’t stifle them asking questions of their faith. Read I Timothy 4:12.
Good Luck & God’s Speed,
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: how to get your teen to liste, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, STD, teen communication, teen help, teen sex
It was late and went to tell my teenager to go to sleep. I opened the door to see them naked and having sex. What should I have done?
My teenager came home the other night and I could tell something was different. I dug and found out my teenager is having sex. How should approach the issue?
I included just two examples of what parents of teenagers have asked me over the years. There are countless more that I could have included and maybe I will in a future article but for our purposes parents are awkward to the mention of that three letter word -SEX. Your child is experiencing a point in their life when the hormones rage beyond belief. And yes SEX does feel good. Do you remember the actual feelings? It is amazing. But controlling the actions associated with the hormones is difficult.
Now depending on your moral stance to premarital sex I could try to debate for and against for pages or hours but let me just take (for this article) the stance that you as a parent don’t want your teenager having sex.
So why not have sex – because you will be asked?
- Because laws, the Bible, and family boundaries say not to!
Now although this is a good answer, this will probably not keep most teenagers from having sex. But we live in a society where traditionally sex waits until later in life. Although popular media says teenage sex happens frequently, statistics are stating something else. So if you use this reason save it until the end of your list. - Because sex changes the dynamics of relationships!
Sex is the ultimate tool to communicate to another person. Sex goes beyond verbal communication and body language to communicate on a deeper level. Unfortunately, sex is being used as a more “feel good” (having a booty call) than as a deep communication link between two people. So just having sex and “hooking up” or a “one nighter” diminishes the effectiveness of later being able to adequately communicate with your partner. And yes once the relationship changes it does usually end for teenagers. - Because STDs are a reality!
Unfortunately, STD rates are not favorable for teenagers. A one in three (1 in 3) of sexually active teens will contract an STD is staggering and sad. Some STDs never go away and their effects can be devastating. And NO condoms do not protect like teens think. In my new book, “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” I go into detail about sex and dispelling the myths of sex. I help parents to actually talk about SEX with an updated perspective for today’s teenagers and their struggles.
So what do you do as a parent?
It’s way past the time to just talk. Teens learn best by example so show them the effects of STDs and sex. Ask your teen and their friends the longest and shortest relationships they have had (showing that relationships change with sex). Find another adult to help you to talk to your teenager about sex and relationships. Remind your teenager that we follow certain principles in society and this house that says no. Encourage a sensual not sexual relationship if it is long standing and serious. And by all means stay vigilant to your teen’s health (physical, mental, relational, and sexual)!
Parenting a Teenager doesn’t have to be Difficult! Click here to sign up for my Free newsletter to parents of teenagers or visit our website (www.how2talk2teens.info) for books and workbooks to help.
Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant, Author, and Family Therapist
