Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, cell phones, disrespect, family violence, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, power struggle, respect, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t treat the family with respect. What should I do?
It’s very important for your teenager to realize just how disrespect affects the family. It is a tough sell though because you are asking something from teenagers that just isn’t quite there – FULL UNDERSTANDING. Their smart part of their brain just isn’t done growing yet. They need help to realize what words or actions are disrespectful. It may seem easy to us as parents but it isn’t for teenagers. I have had parents comment, “I can’t believe they would treat me or their friends this way.” In actuality others teenagers are obvious to this and this is why teen relationships are often short lived. So as a parent teach about disrespect but more importantly, RESPECT.
Tip – when your teenager rolls their eyes they are not disrespecting you! They hear you!
So, first don’t try to explain to them when they are upset or heated. If their pulse and blood pressure is sky high they can’t access any part of the prefrontal cortex (the smart part of the brain). Give them the space and time then sit them down and talk with them. Better yet show them by example. I had a parent who was berated by her teenager’s words of disrespect. Finally, she turned the tables and whenever they were out with his friends or out in public she made embarrassing comments about her son. “Mom,I don’t want to be out in public with you when I don’t know what will come out of your mouth.” The mother smiled, “Me too!”
Be firm in decisions. One thing I have noticed with parents who kids rule the roost is that parents ask instead of tell. “Can you or could you” leaves the door wide open for your teenager to say no (verbally or by actions). A power struggle ensues. So make the requests clear and concise. Don’t worry about please and thank yous at this point. We need you to get control of your kids now. Do not allow violence in the family or towards any of the other members of the family. Assault is assault regardless of age. Simply state your position and leave the assault situation. Hang in there and if you have questions I’m always here to help!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
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Help Rick, My Teenager can’t smile any longer. They used to be so happy. What am I to do?
It is estimated that young children laugh between 300-600 times a day. When I talk to parents of teens and tweens they relate “their teenager must smile three times a week.” So, to the parent above you are not alone. But what’s the deal with teens? They are so down, depressed, or morose.
The teenage years are the time when social pressures begin to take hold and teens “pull back into their shells.” What is appropriate that I won’t get teased about, put down, or shut down? They are just beginning to realize that the cute girl over there doesn’t think it is funny when I belch louder than a freight train. But where are our teenagers finding their social cues? Are they finding it from media, their friends, family, or other sources?
The difficulty comes when their brains are going through this “pruning process” during adolescence. My book and seminars talk more about this. Teens are chronically living below the happiness line. It’s possibly just their brain chemistry. Let me explain…
Imagine a graph of happiness. 10 is the highest (on an awesome date) and 0 is the lowest (worse day ever – which to them feels like yesterday). Teenagers emotions are on a constant roller coaster of up and down, but most teenager live most of their time below the threshold of let’s say 5. That means most of their time is sad, doom, depressed, and difficult. Like I said earlier, it’s their brains. And this is why so many teenagers love “the thrill” of doing something dangerous and reckless because they can actually feel something for once (usually briefly). So they try drugs, sex, drive fast, etc.
Now comes making your teen smile. They do smile with their friends, but they have been told that they can’t or shouldn’t with you the parent. So start early and do “things” with your teen. Let them experience fun with you and not just with their friends. Be a little daring as a parent and go outside your comfort box to give them an experience different than what they would from their friends. Have other adults in your circle do things to help your teen smile. Memories with teenagers are made from both small and huge gestures on your part. I think I will need to address this in another blog, but I don’t want your brain to explode with too much information. So start there and sleep on it!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
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New book video done! How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting.
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, brain growth, maturing, parenting teens
What is appropriate for my teenager to sleep? I think they sleep too much.
It’s amazing as a parent, to look at others and try to remember going through the same situations with your own child. When your child was a baby, they slept, ate, pooped, and took in everything in their environment. A child’s brain in the first three years grows at an alarming rate. So much of an infants resources goes straight to brain growth.
Now, your teenagers hormones have kicked in. The brain growth continues but it is different. Instead of making a cobb web-like brain as in children, your teenager’s brain has become the Edward Scissorhands of efficiency. Your teenagers brain is attempting to grow stronger cords between neurons and radically cutting the weaker connections that aren’t needed. Hence the forgetfulness, mood swings, and believing their way is the only way.
But all this takes energy and sleep. So if it seems as if your teenager is sleeping as much as when s/he was a baby – they need it just like the baby. Without out enough sleep they will become cranky.
Another difficulty is their sleep rhythm is skewed. They can stay up late and prefer to sleep late. Schools in the decade have experimented with starting school later to increase attendance score AND academic scores. And guess what it works! If a teen’s sleep pattern is really off just ask me how to reset the body naturally.
The simple fact is teenagers need ample sleep.
So be compassionate. Yes their best study time might be after 9pm but that doesn’t mean you can or want to help them that late.
There are others in the house that their needs should be considered. But more times than not, teens sleeping too much is not the signal for clinical depression. More on that later.
Rick Zapf, ms
Teen communication consultant
Www.z1publications.com
