Filed under: Uncategorized, parenting teens, teen help, parenting teenagers, teen parenting, cellphones, instant messaging, rick zapf, teen communication, parent modeling, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, porn | Tags: adolescents, how to get your teen to listen, rick zapf, teen communication, parenting teenagers, teen parenting, instant messaging, cell phones, parenting book, z1 publications, parenting expert, teen communication consultant, boundaries, parenting advice, texting privledges, teens texting, parenting help with teens texting, parenting rules about texting
Help Rick, My Teenager won’t stop texting. What should I do?
You are not alone. Texting has become the language of choice for teenagers today. As a matter of fact also for preteens or tweens. I have had many a teen in my office that parents were ready to take away the texting, because of their actions or behavior but almost all have said they’d rather not have a phone at all if they couldn’t have texting. Mom, nobody calls each other anymore.
You see the problem comes from the degree of separation from texting. You cannot hear someone’s tone when they speak and you can’t read their body language which accounts for more than 75% of their communication. That is where teens misunderstand the text, don’t ask for clarification, and don’t have to worry about face to face confrontation. I really think the last one is key and this is where I worry the most for teens and tweens today. The face to face interaction isn’t there. Its removed from texting and social media like Facebook. Teens interactions are getting a failing grade. So what is a parent to do?
First, I don’t recommend taking away a cellphone for punishment. You can read more about that in my book, “how to get your teen to listen.” Their cellphone is their life blood and connection to the outside world. You can however limit and monitor the texts being sent. Second, encourage honesty with house rules – no deletions of texts. As a parent I would be more fervent on what your teenager texts or sends pics than what friends say or do. So if their girlfriend sends a seductive pic of themself that’s one issue, but how your teen responds to that pic is where the main enforcement needs to be addressed. But once again this is where the degree of separation is hurting our teens. I had a parent just yesterday that had to address this issue with her 8th grade son. She also happened to see this teen girl at school and took her parenting role to say, “my son likes you, but the pic you sent isn’t needed because you are more than that.” The teens eyes where huge with concern and embarrassment since someone saw the pic. That is what we are called to do as parents – be parents. Finally, praise your teen for using their texting more maturely. When they text you a problem or concern, a need or want, a prayer or help someone in need – make a huge deal about it. Texting can be used for good not evil! 
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com,www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: cellphones, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, brain growth, cell phones, disrespect, family violence, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, power struggle, respect, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager can’t treat the family with respect. What should I do?
It’s very important for your teenager to realize just how disrespect affects the family. It is a tough sell though because you are asking something from teenagers that just isn’t quite there – FULL UNDERSTANDING. Their smart part of their brain just isn’t done growing yet. They need help to realize what words or actions are disrespectful. It may seem easy to us as parents but it isn’t for teenagers. I have had parents comment, “I can’t believe they would treat me or their friends this way.” In actuality others teenagers are obvious to this and this is why teen relationships are often short lived. So as a parent teach about disrespect but more importantly, RESPECT.
Tip – when your teenager rolls their eyes they are not disrespecting you! They hear you!
So, first don’t try to explain to them when they are upset or heated. If their pulse and blood pressure is sky high they can’t access any part of the prefrontal cortex (the smart part of the brain). Give them the space and time then sit them down and talk with them. Better yet show them by example. I had a parent who was berated by her teenager’s words of disrespect. Finally, she turned the tables and whenever they were out with his friends or out in public she made embarrassing comments about her son. “Mom,I don’t want to be out in public with you when I don’t know what will come out of your mouth.” The mother smiled, “Me too!”
Be firm in decisions. One thing I have noticed with parents who kids rule the roost is that parents ask instead of tell. “Can you or could you” leaves the door wide open for your teenager to say no (verbally or by actions). A power struggle ensues. So make the requests clear and concise. Don’t worry about please and thank yous at this point. We need you to get control of your kids now. Do not allow violence in the family or towards any of the other members of the family. Assault is assault regardless of age. Simply state your position and leave the assault situation. Hang in there and if you have questions I’m always here to help!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
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Help Rick, My Teenager can’t smile any longer. They used to be so happy. What am I to do?
It is estimated that young children laugh between 300-600 times a day. When I talk to parents of teens and tweens they relate “their teenager must smile three times a week.” So, to the parent above you are not alone. But what’s the deal with teens? They are so down, depressed, or morose.
The teenage years are the time when social pressures begin to take hold and teens “pull back into their shells.” What is appropriate that I won’t get teased about, put down, or shut down? They are just beginning to realize that the cute girl over there doesn’t think it is funny when I belch louder than a freight train. But where are our teenagers finding their social cues? Are they finding it from media, their friends, family, or other sources?
The difficulty comes when their brains are going through this “pruning process” during adolescence. My book and seminars talk more about this. Teens are chronically living below the happiness line. It’s possibly just their brain chemistry. Let me explain…
Imagine a graph of happiness. 10 is the highest (on an awesome date) and 0 is the lowest (worse day ever – which to them feels like yesterday). Teenagers emotions are on a constant roller coaster of up and down, but most teenager live most of their time below the threshold of let’s say 5. That means most of their time is sad, doom, depressed, and difficult. Like I said earlier, it’s their brains. And this is why so many teenagers love “the thrill” of doing something dangerous and reckless because they can actually feel something for once (usually briefly). So they try drugs, sex, drive fast, etc.
Now comes making your teen smile. They do smile with their friends, but they have been told that they can’t or shouldn’t with you the parent. So start early and do “things” with your teen. Let them experience fun with you and not just with their friends. Be a little daring as a parent and go outside your comfort box to give them an experience different than what they would from their friends. Have other adults in your circle do things to help your teen smile. Memories with teenagers are made from both small and huge gestures on your part. I think I will need to address this in another blog, but I don’t want your brain to explode with too much information. So start there and sleep on it!
Richard “Rick” Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, communication, gay, house rules, how to get your teen to listen, I don't know, lesbian, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, rules, talk to teens, teen help, teen sex, teen sexuality, teenage dating, teenagers, teens making out, unconditional love, z1 publications
Rick, I caught my daughter “making out” with one of her female friends. Is she “gay” or what?
Well, before jumping into the pot about being gay I would want to know your house rules for “making out.” If this is inappropriate for either sex, then you need to change your rules and consequences to reflect accordingly. As with any teenager, young or old, I would encourage good parenting and modeling for them to learn from. I would hope all three of you have already, CALMLY, talked about what happened and re-established the house rules.
Now, hopefully whether your daughter is “gay” or straight that you would love her unconditionally. The teenage years are difficult to say the least. Hormones and opportunities are abound and directing them to be safe is beyond difficult. Unfortunately, our teenagers are bombarded with sexual imagery from the media constantly. What is a parent to do? COMMUNICATE! Take the opportunities to chat with your teens about the lyrics and messages they come across each and every day. Some are obvious while others are not. Advertisers use subtle unconscious cues that most of use are not even aware of. But trust me they are there! But limited the exposure and if you can’t limit it enough, talk about it. Don’t use it to be critical just state observations. If you see their eyes roll because of something you said – AWESOME! That means they heard you. Remember, not everyone is “bi” even though it is portrayed as more common. Teens are confused and don’t know what to expect. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you expect from your own child. Not the neighbor or one of their “friends” from Facebook, but your child. Hold them to high standards and expect them to want it too.
Now if you are religious or your cultural beliefs do not embrace “being gay” then you have a more serious issue that would be best mediated by a trained mental health specialist. If they work with teenagers then they should be ready to help you deal with your teenager. Also, look for someone who is trained in family therapy not just individual therapy. What happened is a perfect learning opportunity – don’t let it fly by without doing something!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
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Kids & Family podcast:Z1 Publications.
Filed under: parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting | Tags: adolescents, book promo, boundaries, brain growth, how to get your teen to listen, instant messaging, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen sex, teenagers, video, z1 publications
New book video done! How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting.
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, boundaries, how to get your teen to listen, parent modeling, parenting advice, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen dress, teen fashion, teen help, teen parenting, what to wear, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager doesn’t dress appropriately. This often comes from the fathers who are not either “fashion forward” or are protecting a certain look. I had one father who questioned his daughter’s style. Not just her every day style but also her “dressed up” style. He was to take her out for a “fancy” night downtown and the 13 year old daughter was wearing flip flops and a short dress. Arguments ensued because the young teen wanted to be able to say – “This is me” by how she dressed. Dad’s should become involved in what their teenagers wear AND what they buy.
Mothers though are typically more accepting of what to wear. They struggle to find outfits that are stylish and within a budget. But what is appropriate for a tween to wear? I had one mother frustrated back when low-rise jeans came out. “I can’t find any regular jeans anymore.” So what should they wear?
I had another mother who told her 16 year old son to get ready for youth group. He came out minutes later wearing a pair of jeans that had more holes in them than thread (she even brought them for me to see). When the son bocked and asked why, the mother responded appropriately, “Son, you are going to youth group and I can see your penis.”
I had one preteen wanting to argue with me over a summer bikini. So I asked her what makes it appropriate – “all my friends wear one.” When asked about wearing her training bra and panties to the pool she looked mortified. Mom smiled. “Same amount of fabric,” I said with a grin.
You see fashion will continue to be an issue. It has been for decades. Fashion isn’t out of necessity but out of style. You don’t have to wear the designer jeans but you do need to wear pants. You don’t have to carry a Gucci bag, but you do need something for your wallet, keys, and accessories. We shouldn’t judge ourself or others by the outside, especially for what they wear. Get to know what is inside that can make you and others amazing. Parents lead by example here! What is on the inside that you treasure?
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.comandwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: adulthood, how to get your teen to listen, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, how to get your teen to listen, masturbation, parent modeling, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, puberty, rick zapf, sex talk, teen communication, teen communication consultant, teen help, teen parenting, teen sexuality, teenagers, z1 publications
Help Rick, My Teenager was caught masturbating. How should I approach them and what should I say?
Well, I’m guessing two things: one, you don’t approve and two, you are talking about your son. Although teen girls are reporting more masturbation than previous decades, masturbation remains a male issue. One thing I would be curious about is how you talked to your son about puberty and “wet dreams.” That would give me a better base for this discussion.
But a couple of months ago I was watching one of those Hollywood coming of age movies where the boy and girl switch as teenagers. They spent quite a bit of script time towards morning erections and what to do about them. Of course this is Hollywood, but where else would your teenager be learning about their sexuality and the “how to?”
What do you want your teenager to do? How do you back up your stance on what you feel is right? One mother said to me, “my boys get short showers or I come pounding on the door to hurry up.” What would you be appropriate talking to your teen about? Of course you could chicken out and say the father needs to talk to his son, but like I said that’s chickening out. Both parents at different times need to relate the importance of healthy sexuality and your family values. But trust me I have heard it all including the mother who said, “in the guys bathroom, that I don’t clean or go into, they have their magazines on the toilet for them.”
What I would encourage is a healthy discussion of when or where masturbation would be appropriate. Remember, not everyone is doing it! Besides that your teenager will be uncomfortable talking about “it,” this is a perfect time to educate and instruct – something I encourage all parents to do! Sexuality is a challenging topic but something that you need to approach.
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com andwww.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: how to get your teen to listen, love one another, parent help, parent modeling, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, rick zapf, teen communication, teen help, teen parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: adolescents, being a dad, father's day, father's involvement, how to get your teen to listen, parent involvement, parent modeling, parenting book, parenting expert, parenting teenagers, rick zapf, teen communication, teen listening, teenagers, uninvolved father, z1 publications
Help Rick, my teenager’s father isn’t very involved with my teens life. What can I do?
Maybe call it a female need, but I get this often. A father might not even be present in their life because of divorce, death, incarceration, or even nonacceptance. But how do you involve a father who is there but isn’t is more often asked than not. Tough but not impossible. Way too much for this blog probably a whole new book but here are some key points.
Remember, men are action oriented while women are emotionally driven. This isn’t a bad thing – God made us unique for a reason. But asking your husband how he feels about not being a father will just get everyone frustrated. The better is “what can you do with our teenager to make a difference?” Now dads might be a little gun-shy when it comes to doing especially if they have been out of the loop for awhile. I encourage dads to jump in with both feet and make mistakes. Oh, by the way, when your teen rolls their eyes at you that’s a good thing. They are actually listening.
So with both feet in do something new and different. Teens are looking for excitement and thrill and it can be had with fathers. Fathers also need to watch their voice tone especially with their teenage daughters. Young female brains are very impressionable to the voice so use it for emphasizing not criticizing. But fathers should become the role model, if not for your own teen then for other teens who will say, “your dad is so cool.”
But fathers what is more important – your third game of the season for your football or your teen’s adjustment and well being? Your teen needs you! Don’t be afraid, teenagers don’t bite (at least not hard) and need your involvement.
Happy Father’s Day!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications.com, www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
Filed under: Uncategorized, parenting teens, teen help, parenting teenagers, teen parenting, rick zapf, teen communication, parent modeling, how to get your teen to listen, parent help | Tags: parenting teens, adolescents, how to get your teen to listen, rick zapf, teen help, teen communication, parenting teenagers, teen parenting, parenting book, z1 publications, parenting expert, teenagers, teen depression, teen's brain, zapf, depression symptoms, dr. daniel amen
Oh I have heard this one at least once a month! And to a certain respect it infuriates me. Not that teens can seem depressed but that parents and teens try to self-diagnose saying, “I have depression.”
I try to clear this up each and every time I go speak – there is NO SUCH THING AS DEPRESSION! Any respectable clinican should NEVER use that word. Popular media has brought depression to the forefront and the actual diagnosis needs to be adressed. Is the teen cyclothymic, dysthymic, major depressive disorder, or something else? See if we used those diagnoses we would just get stares. Say depression and people will remark about the drug commercials they saw last night on TV.
Teens respond best to symptomology. I encourage parents to throw out the word depression to describe their teen’s behavior and use colorful descriptors. Help your teen feel hope when they feel hopeless. Encourage your teen to participate in activities when they now lack interest. Make it tangible to work towards and change.
The other part for both parents and teens to realize is that our brains are complex and we don’t fully understand them. A piece of brain tissue the size of a grain of sand has over 100,00 neurons and over 1 billion synapses or connections! During the teenage years the brain is pruning connections to make your brain more efficient. So as a connection becomes unusable it is severed. But cut too many and now you could be feeling a little “depressed.” So yes teens will easily fit the criteria for Dysthymic Disorder, but get them the help they need to cope.
Researchers also find that your gut has a lot to do with your mood. So have a healthy gut and have a happier life. So what does your teenager eat that is healthy? How regular are they? They aren’t a human garbage disposal and need to be eating healthy. Dr. Daniel Amen has even suggested a high protein, low carb eating plan to help teen brains grow. That means the snacks of carbs they love so much change.
Basically – PARENTS HELP YOUR TEENS!!!
Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, family therapist and Teen Communication Consultant that helps parents survive the teen years. Look for his book now at www.Z1Publications., www.Amazon.com and www.BarnesandNoble.com
